In this season, my life.

Im on a rollercoaster.
When I first got on i felt sick, afraid, and miserable. I couldnt wait to get off. It was like there was a storm going on and there was nothing I could do to stop or shelter myself from it.
But then,
All of a sudden, my eyes were opened. I broke through the storm cloud and I could see the sunshine and beauty of life. I could feel Gods hand on my back and finally I felt happy, safe, and secure.
God is doing so much in my life right now and I can smile wide and say, this is good.
I just wish some people were here to see it.
Someday theyll see.

For awhile I felt stuck in a bubble. Hiding all my deep dark secrets. Hiding who I really was. And one of my biggest regrets is staying like that with Charlotte and Donna. And if they ever saw anything I was hiding Id make them fight for it. But now God has really made me grow up and now I want it. I am doing it. And I made a promise to myself and God that I wouldnt be that person anymore. Everyday I make a conscious decision to just be myself and open up my life to my leaders or friends. To not feel like I need to prove myself or compare myself to other friends or leaders. For so long and even recently I tried so hard to be "as good" as Donna. Like I had to be this perfect form of her and do all I could have people see her in me rather than just me. Whatever was going on in my life I would keep to myself and not fix it or be accountable with it because I was afraid I couldnt be accepted for who I was. I now make myself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, to be real. Especially with Joanna. As in lastnight, even though it felt weird, I made myself tell her everything that was going on in my life, what God is doing in my life, and everything else. It was so good! And she told me what she thought I could fix and what she thought I was doing well in. Shes pushing me to be who Im capable of being. And Ive never felt better about how I am doing or who I am.

So for Charlotte and Donna, Im sorry for all I put you through and for never being real or what I was capable of being. Its different now and I want you to see Im not that same girl anymore. This is a new season and a new year. And I am a new me.
Thank You for everything youve done in my life. And Joanna for what youre doing now.
I love you all <3

Brink...

Time has run out and my spark is dim.
Im losing sight of all I've worked so hard for.
I stand on the brink,
Unable to decipher realism from just a dream.
Decisions to be made and my thoughts are jumbled and scattered as so many opinions are thrown here and there.
Expectations of others I try not to oblige in but only seek to find my own.
Sometimes I wonder if the expectations of myself are not even mine, birthed from my dreams or desires. Or is it just a concoction of everything I feel I am suppose to want?
I must trust in something more than me for I fear I cannot trust in only myself alone.
I live to please others but its no longer time for that.
For who am I that I base my life? Am I truly me or have I lost myself in being good enough? Having to prove myself worthy?
I put my life into a spectrum and see its reflection staring at me, and sometimes I dare say that Ive lost myself. Dont recognize whats suppose to be the definition of me.
Or maybe, in some ways, I feel I dont deserve it.
This is a brink in time.
A brink in my life.
Where do I go from here? And sometimes I hate that I have to make the decisions on where I go because I dont want to make the mistake of going the wrong way.
I have to do go on my own.
Live my life and figure it out.
I just have to be me.
But who am I?
I am: fighting to reveal it. To accept it. To find it out. I am finding myself.
Evaluation of all Ive held onto. All I am.
Wondering what to leave behind and what to grasp ahold of and pursue.
This is my brink.

heh woooow

Jesus is sweet, so sweet to myyy soullllll!
[[soul junk]]

sooo much new, eh?
its getting me! sheeesh!
so honestly, i can feel the pressure hard!
some good.. some... a little uncomfy. [shrugg]
im getting use to it
but boy am i busyy. i actually had to maek a makeshift calendar today because ive got sooo much going on lol i laughed at myself
BUT good news, im going on a photo adventure with Miss Katie Royy tomorrow in Little Italy of downtown San Diego.
GREAT spot for pics and I have olivias camera to borrow but slightly bittersweet.
Ive only been there once.... with Donna.
hmmm. yeah.
and then... spending the night at Joannas after connect group monday night and hopefully skipping school the next day cuz i dont wanna get up at the butt crack of dawnn and i could use the extra day for school work and well, my LIFE!
OHHH! dang i gotta go shopping for Joannas bridal shower!!!
skadooosh! man!
oh and Twitter! you gotta try it lol
anyway, im not much for being a creative bloggist right now
HAH im pretty sure i just made the word 'bloggist' up lol
but when i get some real time and my creativity back ill get some of the goood stuff on here lol
for now im gonna try to do something at least half productive, like maybe homework, and listen to colbie caillat and joanna newsom!
email me or text me or facebook me blog friends! <3
laaaaater! hahahah im in a weird mood LOL