What do you want to be?

People are always asking, "What do you want to be? What do you want to do?"
I freeze on it every time.
I don't always know why - or whether it is a good reason why.
But the one time I was able to answer honestly of why I froze, all I could say was, "I am afraid of not being good enough."
That is what makes me hesitate on answering that question because I feel like I won't fit.within those things I think about.

I am a creative.

I should not be ashamed to say that.
I should not be afraid to say that I do not fit in conventional boxes. I never have. That is not a cop out.

I want to write.
I want to create things.
I want to be an artist in my own way.
I also do not just want to do one thing.
I don't want one solid "career".
I do not want anything I do to be labeled in such a way because that word makes me think of a box - a box I am trapped in. I hate feeling trapped.

Yes, I want to do ministry as my life and I want to finish my degree in counseling.
Working with people is so perfect for me.
Yes, that degree means something to me and I want it.
Yes, I will probably take random classes just for fun because even though I am no natural student, I love learning. I love to read and that is both for pleasure and for intelligence.
But I also want to create and sell my own magazine.
I want to put on showcases and introduce the world to those in my world.
I would love to have another blog that really gets out there and reaches people.
I love art although I am no drawer and would never feel like I could lump myself along with some of my "artist" friends. They are bloody brilliant and I just don't know if I fully belong in that same entity. But hey, who knows, right?
I also really love teaching. I want to teach Bible College. For church interns, for adults, for any place that would welcome me. Maybe that will someday branch beyond just biblical things.

Beyond all these things that I could only dream of doing, even the ones I have not dreamt of yet, I really want to just be a wife and a mom. And a hella good one at that.

Can't I do it all?
Why not?

What do I want to do?
Who do I want to be?
I just want to be me.
I don't want to be pressured to fit in some labeled box.
I don't want to feel bad for not feeling like I have it all figured out.
Just.
Me.

I wonder how often the enemy uses people in our lives who are both unsuspecting and unwilling, to say things to us that touch on our deepest fears and causes of intense anxiety.
They say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Well, I read something just a tad more accurate. It said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will only cause permanent psychological damage."
I guess you can say the same for the words you think and the words that get thrown at you in "good intention".

As I write this, this song came on. 
(Be here Now - Ray Lamontagne)

The lyrics say,

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies."

A wearied mind.

Sounds a lot like me lately.

A wearied mind.

The biggest killer to even the strongest of souls.

As soon as you're feeling even the slightest bit joyous and content, something comes smashing to knock you down.

But Ray may have something right here.

In the midst of weariness and confusion we have a will that must be stayed.

When our hearts are heavy, there is a strength that lies within us.

We must hold onto these things.

We must learn to be ok with our frailties and grasp hold of the strength we have access too.

I am twenty-five years old now.

Yearning to be molded into the life God has given me dreams of.

Twenty-five and longing to have a security that holds steadfastly, not so easily shaken.

Twenty-five and wanting to know the dream isn't just for those around me but it is for me, too.

Wanting to be wanted.

Wanting to be known.

Wanting to be...