thats what I experienced at GC Conference 2009.
I feel different. Deep down in my Spirit.
Roots that have kept me in bondage are uprooted and I AM FREE.
God comes through to those who humbly come to Him and pour their heart out to Him like water.
No strings attached.
Christianity and Gods Kingdom is NOT a buffet!
No picking and choosing!
Submit to God and you WILL be BLESSED!
GOD IS YOUR FATHER!
THE CREATOR OF EVERYTHING! HOLY CRAP!
Things that I thought would never leave my life ended.
Theres so much going on in my head I cant even think of all to say right now...
hah sorry... to be continued.
continued...
I am being used.
Ohh boyy am I.
God is just speaking to me so much.
This morning, Grace texted me.
It was a line from a Rick Pino song.
It said, 'the Lord is with you mighty warrior.'
I read it and right after I responded to it, I heard the Lord say, "You are My mighty warrior. I am with you, I need you. Fight."
Then i remembered that Jael had named me on her blog friends list 'Brittany: Victorious Warrior'
Then all at once it hit me!
Thats part of who I am.
Im a fighter, and I need to FIGHT for the Kingdom of God.
Take what already belongs to God and take it by force and the power that God has given me. BUT with love when I need to.
I find myself under a lot of pressure.
But I am ready to just do it.
Gods grace is sufficient enough for me.
My choir teacher called me today.
I was not at school thursday or friday because of conference and I left school early today because I was feeling really sick.
I didnt feel like picking up my phone.
She left me a voicemail.
I listened to it and she asked me if I was doing ok, how much she needed me and depended on me, what was going on in class, stuff that was going in witha student in my class, and that she may have lost her baby.
She hadnt even told everyone else yet.
And all in that message I could feel the pressure of supporting that whole program.
But maybe, God needs me to be the strength in that class.
Maybe thats part of me being a mighty warrior for the Lord. To help and support people, specifically that class and teacher.
I find it ironic that shes so dependent on me considering also that she is the teacher representative for Generation Forward.
She is always telling me to minister to certain people in that class everyday.
Is this part of it Lord?
I can do this...
p.s. My family is starting to get changed by God.
My cousin, her husband, and her son [who doesnt really count hes 1] got saved Sunday morning with Pastor Benny Perez. My mom came to church but wasnt super responsive but thats ok.
p.p.s. My brother gets out of rehab next Tuesday the third. We're having a party for him. Grace and Nick are going to come. And my brother will come to church, gte saved, and planted in the church in the name of Jesus! =]
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
You never said...
You never said this would be easy, rejoice in this deliverance.
Its funny how a song can make you think so deeply on this life.
I am fully alive in God, I have a future, and I carry on in the Lord because I have suffered. I was empty. Wrists bleeding to try and stop the pain.
I love You because You are my Truth and saved me from death.
I reach towards You because its the only thing I can reach for that I can know for sure wont let me down.
I worship because Youre my everything.
Without You, I am nothing.
Conference is tomorrow. I am so excited.
To be a part of it.
And to receive from it.
God comes through in times of desperation,
And I am so desperate for more.
Im tired of being accustomed to You, God.
I am jumping in.
My life is in a pivotal state and to stand in the same place is foolish.
You are breaking and molding but I know the hurt I feel now is good.
A pain I once new is one that made me want to end my life.
This pain is one that pulls me into Your lap and to look to the distance and see something worth living for.
It hurts, but Id have to say, that Im happy with this pain. Because it means Gods working in me. Not the devil.
Thank You, God.
Youve made me whole.
I love You. <3
Its funny how a song can make you think so deeply on this life.
I am fully alive in God, I have a future, and I carry on in the Lord because I have suffered. I was empty. Wrists bleeding to try and stop the pain.
I love You because You are my Truth and saved me from death.
I reach towards You because its the only thing I can reach for that I can know for sure wont let me down.
I worship because Youre my everything.
Without You, I am nothing.
Conference is tomorrow. I am so excited.
To be a part of it.
And to receive from it.
God comes through in times of desperation,
And I am so desperate for more.
Im tired of being accustomed to You, God.
I am jumping in.
My life is in a pivotal state and to stand in the same place is foolish.
You are breaking and molding but I know the hurt I feel now is good.
A pain I once new is one that made me want to end my life.
This pain is one that pulls me into Your lap and to look to the distance and see something worth living for.
It hurts, but Id have to say, that Im happy with this pain. Because it means Gods working in me. Not the devil.
Thank You, God.
Youve made me whole.
I love You. <3
Monday, February 16, 2009
A Sunday to remember...
today was good...
we had a guest speaker at church and a few things he said made me ponder all day.
in Isaiah 49:16 it says, "See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;..." and Pastor Dave Walker said that the scar that remains on Jesus' hands is your name. Because He gave His life for you. And those scars represent you and His love for You, His purpose for dying. being a christian is not about us but it is about God. we were made for His glory and we live like Him for Him.
then i had a fun little post valentines party hangout. it was fun. i decorated. i cut a lot of hearts. and Sean Pearson and Kayleigh Faulhaber helped me tape them up and do streamers. i had some encounters with Joanna today lol multiple ones. we have to talk lol but in a good way i think. eeh, i hope. and im spending the night with her thursday and helping her wednesday i think.
anyway, after that little fellowship gathering Grace, Nick, Me, Dominick, Andy, and Chris went to Calvary Chapel. it was 930 and we walked in and they were just done with their prayer time. Jordi was so happy to see us lol so after jumping up to grab Grace and I around the neck her and her group decided to start all over. So we prayed and wprshiped for a long time. it was sooo good. God showed up liek crazy, the unity was so evident, and everyone prayed so powerfully. i felt as if we were praying Gods will and what He wanted to speak. Jordi learned how to play Holy by Matt Gilman and Cory Asbury. it was the last song she sang and God was like wooosh, there. and all i could do was slip from my chair on to my knees crying out to God. it was soooo amazing and good. something i needed. Calvary youth pastor is a cool guy too. all together there was me, grace, nick, dominick, andy, chris, jordi, john, pastor nick, aiden, jordan, hannah, and ooh dang this other girl. her name slipped my mind. God is so good. and i keep meditating on His goodness. its blowing me away.
im in a breaking period right now. God is breaking me and molding me and revealing things to me. i admit sometimes its hard and it hurts and it gets emotional but in the end i know it will be so good. oh Lord, i love You. =]
we had a guest speaker at church and a few things he said made me ponder all day.
in Isaiah 49:16 it says, "See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;..." and Pastor Dave Walker said that the scar that remains on Jesus' hands is your name. Because He gave His life for you. And those scars represent you and His love for You, His purpose for dying. being a christian is not about us but it is about God. we were made for His glory and we live like Him for Him.
then i had a fun little post valentines party hangout. it was fun. i decorated. i cut a lot of hearts. and Sean Pearson and Kayleigh Faulhaber helped me tape them up and do streamers. i had some encounters with Joanna today lol multiple ones. we have to talk lol but in a good way i think. eeh, i hope. and im spending the night with her thursday and helping her wednesday i think.
anyway, after that little fellowship gathering Grace, Nick, Me, Dominick, Andy, and Chris went to Calvary Chapel. it was 930 and we walked in and they were just done with their prayer time. Jordi was so happy to see us lol so after jumping up to grab Grace and I around the neck her and her group decided to start all over. So we prayed and wprshiped for a long time. it was sooo good. God showed up liek crazy, the unity was so evident, and everyone prayed so powerfully. i felt as if we were praying Gods will and what He wanted to speak. Jordi learned how to play Holy by Matt Gilman and Cory Asbury. it was the last song she sang and God was like wooosh, there. and all i could do was slip from my chair on to my knees crying out to God. it was soooo amazing and good. something i needed. Calvary youth pastor is a cool guy too. all together there was me, grace, nick, dominick, andy, chris, jordi, john, pastor nick, aiden, jordan, hannah, and ooh dang this other girl. her name slipped my mind. God is so good. and i keep meditating on His goodness. its blowing me away.
im in a breaking period right now. God is breaking me and molding me and revealing things to me. i admit sometimes its hard and it hurts and it gets emotional but in the end i know it will be so good. oh Lord, i love You. =]
Friday, February 13, 2009
this feels... im not sure, anymore.
do you ever have it where so many different things are going on and you feel tham all at once and youre not sure whether to feel good or bad?
because i feel a lot like that right now...
tonight i have come to see again that God is merciful. my brother, the one in my family im closest to, was arrested in december. i had been praying for him for so long. and then it literally broke me to see him fall and that i couldnt help. i just wanted God to set him free just as i was. and it didnt happen. and i was discouraged. ive missed him so much and even still my heart aches for him. he was looking at 3 years in prison. and that is not something i could bear to see. i prayed so much and i cried so hard for my brother. he had court wednesday. God is merciful. he has 3 years probation but if he breaks it he has 1 year in jail. also 10hours of community service. i plan on setting him up to do it at the church. adn he has 2500 dollars in fines. i want to help him pay for it if i can. i just want to see my brother again. and i want God to change him...
graduation is in 3 months and 23 days. im a little scared. but excited.
God is doing a lot in ramona and in my influence on others.
Josh and Joanna are getting married in 3 weeks.
Conference is next week.
i need a job lol Lord help me.
i miss donna... yes, i admit it.
God has opened my eyes tonight at the work Hes doing in my cosens life through me.
me and my mom are fixing our relationship.
i turn 18 next month. weird.
i want more of God.
i feel discouraged but i fight so hard just to crawl my way into my Fathers lap.
i miss my dad. calling God 'Father' is hard for me. and i hate admitting i miss my dad. and sometimes i get sad seeing my friends dads. the closest i have to a dad is God, Pastor Jerry, and Lon Lloyd. im around Lon the most but id feel weird telling him i see him that way. i dont know what its like to hug a dad but when Lon hugged me about a month ago it felt different. and although i dont have the experience to say for sure id say thats what it feels like to hug a dad. i just wish i had the chance to hug my own. thinking of my wedding scares me and makes me almost sad for that reason alone. not having a dad...
haha i think its funny my dad was a biker.
i trust my best friend Grace more than anyone but sometimes i find it hard to just be me with her. tell her what im thinking. i know its bad too. i dont know why i do things i do sometimes.
im so excited for interns. im so hungry for God and to learn more. i want Him so much.
sometimes i wish i wasnt me. and im afraid that im not good enough or that no one is proud of me or sees anything in me. although if i tried to be honest with myself id know that that isnt true but it feels that way.
i almost feel like im not worth anything. no one would want this. thats terrible. God renew my mind, wow. anyway, theres so much more but i dont think i could even write it all.
im not sure how i feel.
good. bad. indifferent.
i dont know.
but what i do know.
i love God.
because i feel a lot like that right now...
tonight i have come to see again that God is merciful. my brother, the one in my family im closest to, was arrested in december. i had been praying for him for so long. and then it literally broke me to see him fall and that i couldnt help. i just wanted God to set him free just as i was. and it didnt happen. and i was discouraged. ive missed him so much and even still my heart aches for him. he was looking at 3 years in prison. and that is not something i could bear to see. i prayed so much and i cried so hard for my brother. he had court wednesday. God is merciful. he has 3 years probation but if he breaks it he has 1 year in jail. also 10hours of community service. i plan on setting him up to do it at the church. adn he has 2500 dollars in fines. i want to help him pay for it if i can. i just want to see my brother again. and i want God to change him...
graduation is in 3 months and 23 days. im a little scared. but excited.
God is doing a lot in ramona and in my influence on others.
Josh and Joanna are getting married in 3 weeks.
Conference is next week.
i need a job lol Lord help me.
i miss donna... yes, i admit it.
God has opened my eyes tonight at the work Hes doing in my cosens life through me.
me and my mom are fixing our relationship.
i turn 18 next month. weird.
i want more of God.
i feel discouraged but i fight so hard just to crawl my way into my Fathers lap.
i miss my dad. calling God 'Father' is hard for me. and i hate admitting i miss my dad. and sometimes i get sad seeing my friends dads. the closest i have to a dad is God, Pastor Jerry, and Lon Lloyd. im around Lon the most but id feel weird telling him i see him that way. i dont know what its like to hug a dad but when Lon hugged me about a month ago it felt different. and although i dont have the experience to say for sure id say thats what it feels like to hug a dad. i just wish i had the chance to hug my own. thinking of my wedding scares me and makes me almost sad for that reason alone. not having a dad...
haha i think its funny my dad was a biker.
i trust my best friend Grace more than anyone but sometimes i find it hard to just be me with her. tell her what im thinking. i know its bad too. i dont know why i do things i do sometimes.
im so excited for interns. im so hungry for God and to learn more. i want Him so much.
sometimes i wish i wasnt me. and im afraid that im not good enough or that no one is proud of me or sees anything in me. although if i tried to be honest with myself id know that that isnt true but it feels that way.
i almost feel like im not worth anything. no one would want this. thats terrible. God renew my mind, wow. anyway, theres so much more but i dont think i could even write it all.
im not sure how i feel.
good. bad. indifferent.
i dont know.
but what i do know.
i love God.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
it hurts...
my life is being distracted
the traces of empty promises
the tearing of old wounds
but i will fight
as the smoke in my head clears im reaching
God, You know i cant do this alone
help me again
another wave has come
its tearing me up inside and im hurting
thank you for the best friend who keeps me moving
Your spirit that is helping
but Lord i still need more
especially now
im being honest now
i miss him
and my tears are constantly spilling from my eyes for him
even when i tell myself to fake and hold back the tears never listen
bring him home to me and home to You
faking the strong and happy one makes me tired
let me rest in You
send Your glory and presence because its the only way i will make it
i trust in You
Oh God, im hurting...
the traces of empty promises
the tearing of old wounds
but i will fight
as the smoke in my head clears im reaching
God, You know i cant do this alone
help me again
another wave has come
its tearing me up inside and im hurting
thank you for the best friend who keeps me moving
Your spirit that is helping
but Lord i still need more
especially now
im being honest now
i miss him
and my tears are constantly spilling from my eyes for him
even when i tell myself to fake and hold back the tears never listen
bring him home to me and home to You
faking the strong and happy one makes me tired
let me rest in You
send Your glory and presence because its the only way i will make it
i trust in You
Oh God, im hurting...
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