It gets harder.
It gets harder to say yes.
The fear starts setting in.
I actually feel afraid.
The ground beneath my feet feels so much less certain.
It feels unstable and invisible.
Where is the line between responsibility and faith?
Where is the assurance of "There is still hope for you," over "You're never gonna make it here."
At the moment there are not any more feelings of security for either choice.
Am I willing to pay this price?
Of course, yes.
My heart screams yes!
My will is just slightly cowering in the echoes of those screams.
Jesus, I stepped out of the boat before.
I was afraid but I did it.
I'm in the boat again, Jesus.
I'm in the boat and I am stepping out, I think I just need a hand getting out this time.
Just for a moment, let me feel You hold me.
You know I would follow you anywhere...
Monday, May 18, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
It is moments like these where you can't help but ask yourself if it will ever end.
Will I ever not feel this alone anymore?
Will this nausea ever cease from the pit of my stomach?
Will the dominoes ever stop falling? One bad thing after another.
It is hard to have all this heaviness pressing against my mind.
I try my best not to carry it and for the most part, I succeed.
I can shut down myself enough to not care.
Well, yeah, of course I care, but not everyone has to know or see that.
And they don't.
I need a vacation.
I need to get away from everything for just a little while.
Not because I am running but just to clear my head.
To have a little time to let loose and let everything go.
Maybe getting away some will help cure the loneliness.
The kind of loneliness where your insides are aching and your head is spinning but you still play the game like everything is just fine.
It is. Just fine.
It is also just a tiring "just fine".
I just need to not be around so much of it.
I need time. Real time.
With myself.
With people I really care about who ease the tension some.
With God.
With God in a place out of the norm.
And when I can't quite get away just yet and when the nights get just a little too loud, here I am.
I end up here.
Will I ever not feel this alone anymore?
Will this nausea ever cease from the pit of my stomach?
Will the dominoes ever stop falling? One bad thing after another.
It is hard to have all this heaviness pressing against my mind.
I try my best not to carry it and for the most part, I succeed.
I can shut down myself enough to not care.
Well, yeah, of course I care, but not everyone has to know or see that.
And they don't.
I need a vacation.
I need to get away from everything for just a little while.
Not because I am running but just to clear my head.
To have a little time to let loose and let everything go.
Maybe getting away some will help cure the loneliness.
The kind of loneliness where your insides are aching and your head is spinning but you still play the game like everything is just fine.
It is. Just fine.
It is also just a tiring "just fine".
I just need to not be around so much of it.
I need time. Real time.
With myself.
With people I really care about who ease the tension some.
With God.
With God in a place out of the norm.
And when I can't quite get away just yet and when the nights get just a little too loud, here I am.
I end up here.
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