Give me wisdom...

I have never before asked God for wisdom as much as I have now.

I look around me and see so many make flippant decisions about life.

It makes me cringe inside, clinging so much more to those in life who do walk in wisdom and seek counsel.

It hurts my heart to see people be the center of their own worlds instead of being worked around who You are and what You are doing.

Proverbs 13:20 says, 

"He who walks with wise men will be wise, 

  But the companion of fools will be destroyed."

The validity of this scripture has been so obvious in my life throughout the years.

I have been thinking lately of the challenge of scriptures such as this.

In its application, it may mean the necessity of rearranging the closeness or influence of certain relationships in your life.

It may also mean the determination of our individual decisions to more closely align to the image of Christ.

I have heard it said many times that we become like those we are closest to, which also means the people we spend the most time with. 

Show me your friends and I will show you your future.

The same rings true that if we want the fruit of another's life in our own, we must be intentional about being around those people.

Invest in what you want to attain.

I am so thankful for those God has put around me to lead me in such a way that glorifies Him.

I am thankful that I have learned to make decisions not purely on my emotions or circumstances, but by the grace and discernment of the Holy Spirit.

God, let me continue on the path with those best for me - headed towards You with intense ferocity.

Time is our friend - if we allow it to be.

Small minded thinking looks at the smaller picture of life - the here and now.

I pray to always look at the bigger picture.

To make decisions that will long outlast the immediate.

I want all of who I am to be invested into the House of God - into who God has made and called me to be more than my own selfish desires.

Proverbs 29:18

"Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but happy is he who keeps the law." NKJV

"Where there is no revelation (vision), people cast off restraint; but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom’s instruction." NIV

"If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed." MSG

Vision needs to be constantly refreshed.
Constantly worked towards.
Constantly invested into.
Constant priority.

God, keep my eyes ever on You and what You are doing.
Keep my steps in line with yours.
Give to me whatever advances me in Your direction ever more strongly.
Let my life be a celebration of Your work in me and not on how well I can get by on just my own.

If You do not go with me, do not send me. Let Your presence be with me wherever I go or here I shall stay.

Validation.
Affirmation.
Love.

Three things we are all searching for whether we vocalize it or not.

Sometimes there are certain people we just need it from.
Most people will do anything to get it.

"Do you see me?!"
"Do you love me?"
"Am I making you proud?"
"Is this right?"

I know how much I long for some of these from certain people. I can't help it.
I want to make those I love proud.
I want to know for sure I am loved. Remind me!
Are you thinking of me? Do I matter?

Then it makes me think.
Who needs me to remind them that they are loved and lovely?
Who needs to feel respected, brave, strong, and considered?
Who wants to make me proud?

Sometimes I do not think I express my love enough and other times I feel like I am too much.
Yet I never want to be the one who ever forgot.
To always recognize those in my world.
To love my best. Encourage my best. Observe my best. Remember my best.

Do you hear me?
Am I hearing you?

Selfishness is an ugly face.
To be so SELF involved that you are overlooking those around you.

Can we let go of distraction?
Can we make time?
Can we listen well?
Can we see with Jesus like eyes?
Can we put our phones away and be all there?
Can we take note of the little things that have the potential to make big waves?
Can we love so well we cause an overflow and burst through the dirts of life straight to the gold?
Can we have perspective, remembering when we were in the same place, and help develop overcomers?
Can we remember that God can always do all things with all people?

Today I was reminded that all the gold I show and all the gold still to be unearthed, has and will only come when the right people in my world are with me along the way; in word, in action, in love, and in recognizing and acknowledging.
God's goodness makes me great. Makes me thankful. Makes life beautiful.
God's goodness is His presence, His people, His words, and His power.
His power in me.
His power in those around me.
HIs power unleashed the way He pleases.

His validation, His affirmation, and His love come from His presence but also from His people.
So remember to be His vessel.
Remember that its about Jesus.
Remember that its about others.
Remember that theres a price to pay.
Remember that it is worth it.
Remember that it is what matters most.
Remember to be present.

Musings on death...

Yeah, I get that this is really weird.
Musings on death? Kinda morbid. But these are the kinds of things that I think about when I am alone.
But really, thinking about death is really actually thinking about life.

How am I living my life?
Is it in such a way that in my death, how I lived mattered to people?
I fear living a life that was only for myself.
I fear leaving this earth too early and that all those who mattered to me would not be sure of how much I loved them and what I would do for them.
I fear not leaving an impact on those around me.

It pains me to see people not knowing how valuable the life we live is.
That it is not only about us but about those around us.

I constantly find myself looking around and seeing the most incredible individuals around me.
I think of how they have changed my life.
How they challenge me and bring out the best of me.
My people are the evidence of God's goodness towards me.
Can anyone say that about me?
Can they say it about you?

What do you want to be?

People are always asking, "What do you want to be? What do you want to do?"
I freeze on it every time.
I don't always know why - or whether it is a good reason why.
But the one time I was able to answer honestly of why I froze, all I could say was, "I am afraid of not being good enough."
That is what makes me hesitate on answering that question because I feel like I won't fit.within those things I think about.

I am a creative.

I should not be ashamed to say that.
I should not be afraid to say that I do not fit in conventional boxes. I never have. That is not a cop out.

I want to write.
I want to create things.
I want to be an artist in my own way.
I also do not just want to do one thing.
I don't want one solid "career".
I do not want anything I do to be labeled in such a way because that word makes me think of a box - a box I am trapped in. I hate feeling trapped.

Yes, I want to do ministry as my life and I want to finish my degree in counseling.
Working with people is so perfect for me.
Yes, that degree means something to me and I want it.
Yes, I will probably take random classes just for fun because even though I am no natural student, I love learning. I love to read and that is both for pleasure and for intelligence.
But I also want to create and sell my own magazine.
I want to put on showcases and introduce the world to those in my world.
I would love to have another blog that really gets out there and reaches people.
I love art although I am no drawer and would never feel like I could lump myself along with some of my "artist" friends. They are bloody brilliant and I just don't know if I fully belong in that same entity. But hey, who knows, right?
I also really love teaching. I want to teach Bible College. For church interns, for adults, for any place that would welcome me. Maybe that will someday branch beyond just biblical things.

Beyond all these things that I could only dream of doing, even the ones I have not dreamt of yet, I really want to just be a wife and a mom. And a hella good one at that.

Can't I do it all?
Why not?

What do I want to do?
Who do I want to be?
I just want to be me.
I don't want to be pressured to fit in some labeled box.
I don't want to feel bad for not feeling like I have it all figured out.
Just.
Me.

I wonder how often the enemy uses people in our lives who are both unsuspecting and unwilling, to say things to us that touch on our deepest fears and causes of intense anxiety.
They say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Well, I read something just a tad more accurate. It said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will only cause permanent psychological damage."
I guess you can say the same for the words you think and the words that get thrown at you in "good intention".

As I write this, this song came on. 
(Be here Now - Ray Lamontagne)

The lyrics say,

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies."

A wearied mind.

Sounds a lot like me lately.

A wearied mind.

The biggest killer to even the strongest of souls.

As soon as you're feeling even the slightest bit joyous and content, something comes smashing to knock you down.

But Ray may have something right here.

In the midst of weariness and confusion we have a will that must be stayed.

When our hearts are heavy, there is a strength that lies within us.

We must hold onto these things.

We must learn to be ok with our frailties and grasp hold of the strength we have access too.

I am twenty-five years old now.

Yearning to be molded into the life God has given me dreams of.

Twenty-five and longing to have a security that holds steadfastly, not so easily shaken.

Twenty-five and wanting to know the dream isn't just for those around me but it is for me, too.

Wanting to be wanted.

Wanting to be known.

Wanting to be...

Sometimes you just need to take a moment.
A moment to take things in.

Things change quickly.

The things you honestly didn't have faith for, God touches.
The things you have killed as best you can in you heart, God resurrects.
It becomes so overwhelming you just cry.
Not in a sad way but in a mesmerized way.
A kind of cry that spills thankfulness.

Maybe in the midst of these crazy God things, there is strain in other areas.
You don't know why things go so well in one area and become confusing in others.
Yet you choose to be happy and you choose to be thankful and you choose to be trusting in every area whether it be solid or surprising, confusing or terrifying, painful or crippling.

I rest in this.
You are secure in Your promises.

You qualify and bring quality.
Every door you lead us to is hinged on our trust in you.
You secure us in the confined spaces, defining our edges, and bringing surety to our being.
You prepare us for Your seasons and teach us You.
Walking with You, working with You.
Unphased by the slip ups we focus too much on.

Each day I understand You just a little bit more and wonder how I ever got by without You.
And this grace that makes my impossible possible sweeps me off my feet and with that, I know You love me.

Loving people...

I use to be ashamed of the way I loved people.

Many people didn't understand me.
They didn't think I was normal.
The ones that made me ashamed - they didn't treat people how I did.

I couldn't help it.
Loving people.
It is not like I had always been that way.
I use to distrust and dislike people very much.
But somehow, someday, it changed.

The shame I felt made me isolate myself.
I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I felt like I was misunderstood and no one would know or appreciate me for who I am.

But then I read Matthew 25:40

Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’

Our relationships with people are a reflection of our relationship to Jesus.

Jesus loved a very broken version of me.
The way He loved me overcame any part of me that should have turned hard, dark, and cruel.
If I somehow have the ability to love people well - to love people in any way that reflects Jesus' love - why should I be ashamed of that?

My only hope is that others can learn to let that kind of love in.
That they would learn to love in the same way.
If I am in Christ and He is in me, then it is my duty to let Him in to every part of this world I take Him to.

Maybe I am not normal.
But I like this part of me and would rather be this version of myself more than I would ever want to be normal.

And as I love people fully, maybe they too can learn to let some unconditional love seep from themselves into this world too.

A little whimsy...

Today felt like there was some kind of whimsy in the air.

I felt like I was different.
Fully myself.
It felt like some dose of hope had been injected into me making my eyes see things in new colors and in a new light.

I got in my car for my daily coffee run.
It had just been raining.
I breathed in deep, lungs filling full of the crisp and clean air.
The sky was captivating.
Sun setting, casting rays of light through the changing colors in the sky and the rainy deepness of the clouds.
On the way back home, I felt the need to explore. I wasn't ready to stop.
I drove right past my house and found myself turning onto the dirt road where I had my first kiss almost… seven years ago now.
The road opened up into this perfect open spot to catch the most beautiful picture.
I pulled over, no shoes on, and let myself squish through the muddy dirt just to capture this moment.
It wasn't just the sky I was trying to capture.
It was capturing the feeling of everything seeming strangely new.
I felt alive.
As though I needed this little trip down my back roads to remind myself of all the life left to live, full of adventure, and better than all my best moments I have already lived.

And as I drove back up that dirt road and passed the very spot of that first kiss -
I remembered all I felt in that moment.
Eighteen years young.
Standing with the tall, floppy blonde haired boy who use to play guitar for me.
Thinking how I always hoped I would end up in his arms experiencing this first with him - and I got my wish. It was happening.
Full of youth and excitement.
Little did I know, I would grow up realizing it wasn't as big of a deal as I had made it out to be.
And I would grow out of those teenage fairytales into something so. much. better.
So I waved goodbye to the memory of that boy and that dazed young girl. Wishing I could tell her what I knew now.
I breathed in deep and felt that resting assurance that everything was about to be the most beautiful and real and raw and most precious time of my life.
It felt good to say goodbye.
It felt good to say goodbye to the girl who isn't even me anymore and embrace the me I really am.
To feel the nostalgia of days gone past and realizing that I have grown up. Being unrecognizably different.
Seeing where life has taken me and the ones I use to know.
Feeling grateful that I learned who to leave behind and who to weave into my future.

This is what freedom really is.
This is what it feels like.
To embrace being fully yourself.

There is a beauty in those moments of pure and simple connection between your heart and God's spirit and experiencing   r e a l   l i f e.



" There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. " - C. S. Lewis

Sometimes I wonder if it's some kind of cruel joke.
To have the one thing you love to be just out of grasp.
What is it that God is really doing or saying?
And all I can do is give in and let it happen.
I don't understand.
But I would never fight it.


I have had a lot of time to think.
A lot of things to look back on.
Seeing all the little things I never noticed before that brought me here.
Life has a funny way of working out.
I'm not mad about mine.
It's been messy but the best things seem to make it worth it.


I was thinking the other day about moments with God.
I was remembering being young, experiencing things with this freshness in my lungs, sitting next to the people that first made me appreciate friendship, and we would just talk about God.
We would wake up early to sip coffee and read together.
7am in the corner chairs fascinated by this intimacy with Jesus thing.
Intentional looked different back then.
A "God moment" was so separated from the rest of life.
Sometimes I sit and speak with God wondering if my relationship has become more disappointing to Him over the years.
I don't do the things the way I use to.
But maybe, as you grow older, the line between a "God moment" and just a "life moment" starts to blur.
Every moment becomes filled with Him.
The conversations go on like any normal day.
We use to have to try and talk to Him but now we are just with Him and He with us.
I don't feel that separation anymore.

I am in no way perfect.
Unless perfectly unkempt is the same type of perfection.
I feel challenged more than I ever feel comfortable.
As far as I have come, I only yearn to go further still.


These past months have been draining.
Sucking the very life from me.
Confusing me to every degree.
Yet, in this moment, in the past couple weeks, I have felt more myself than I have ever been.
I am discovering the reality of me.
And, I do not know if its more thrilling or petrifying, but I know there is so much more to unearth within me.
I have those days where I hate myself.
But when I sit and take a breath; when I am surrounded by cliffs, the ocean, and that salty breeze - I love it. I love myself. I love my life. I love every piece that has made this mine.

The Game Worth Losing

Our generation has an expectation placed on us from the generation before.
Or maybe its from living in a time of dreams and entrepreneurship.
An expectation that we have to "be something" within a certain timeframe.
And when we fail to meet these expectations within that certain period of time, we struggle with our identity.
We think that we will always be stuck within the confines of our generational curses, of never living our dreams, or of never amounting to anything.

The biggest ploy of the enemy of our time is that of comparison.
We give up before we have even experienced the totality of growing up and living.
Our self-worth begins to look like just getting by instead of blazing a new trail for our future and the generations to come from within us.

This comparison game - this withdrawal too early in the game - beats us down into discouragement and defeat.
Beats us bloody until we choke on it.
Then we hit those moments.
Those moments where we ask ourselves, "Do I sit in this murky puddle of my blood, broken dreams, shattered spirit, and every memory of how I once again failed to meet this standard. This standard that I'm not sure where it came from in the first place? Or do I somehow keep fighting, daring to believe just one more time that maybe, someday, I might actually like the person staring back at me?"

We were made to be a winner... even though most often we don't even feel like one.

We enter these games
and every fiber of our being says WIN
but maybe the game of comparison is one match worth LOSING.
Because winning means it proved us right the whole time but losing says, "I don't want to play this silly game any longer."