In this season, my life.

Im on a rollercoaster.
When I first got on i felt sick, afraid, and miserable. I couldnt wait to get off. It was like there was a storm going on and there was nothing I could do to stop or shelter myself from it.
But then,
All of a sudden, my eyes were opened. I broke through the storm cloud and I could see the sunshine and beauty of life. I could feel Gods hand on my back and finally I felt happy, safe, and secure.
God is doing so much in my life right now and I can smile wide and say, this is good.
I just wish some people were here to see it.
Someday theyll see.

For awhile I felt stuck in a bubble. Hiding all my deep dark secrets. Hiding who I really was. And one of my biggest regrets is staying like that with Charlotte and Donna. And if they ever saw anything I was hiding Id make them fight for it. But now God has really made me grow up and now I want it. I am doing it. And I made a promise to myself and God that I wouldnt be that person anymore. Everyday I make a conscious decision to just be myself and open up my life to my leaders or friends. To not feel like I need to prove myself or compare myself to other friends or leaders. For so long and even recently I tried so hard to be "as good" as Donna. Like I had to be this perfect form of her and do all I could have people see her in me rather than just me. Whatever was going on in my life I would keep to myself and not fix it or be accountable with it because I was afraid I couldnt be accepted for who I was. I now make myself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, to be real. Especially with Joanna. As in lastnight, even though it felt weird, I made myself tell her everything that was going on in my life, what God is doing in my life, and everything else. It was so good! And she told me what she thought I could fix and what she thought I was doing well in. Shes pushing me to be who Im capable of being. And Ive never felt better about how I am doing or who I am.

So for Charlotte and Donna, Im sorry for all I put you through and for never being real or what I was capable of being. Its different now and I want you to see Im not that same girl anymore. This is a new season and a new year. And I am a new me.
Thank You for everything youve done in my life. And Joanna for what youre doing now.
I love you all <3