And its a little complicated...

I feel like today I started on an epic journey of really growing up. I am an adult and now I'm going to really act like one. I spent most of my day with Jynell and am walking away with so much more on my plate. A new outlook on a life that can honestly be pretty screwed sometimes. In times like these uncomfortable measures must be taken. I do not want it to be this hard but damnit being a christian and wanting the best for your life isn't always easy. Its work and its hard. But in the end Ill be so much more blessed and leave a lot of pain I could have behind. Sometimes I ask God why things cant just happen a little quicker or a little easier. But its not my timing. God doesn't look at time. And sometimes some sweat and some blood is needed. To experience things that stretch you and grow you. Obstacles to be jumped and conquered and tests to be passed. In my heart of hearts I want everything to work out and be ok and be so unbelievably close to God. But its gonna take a little pain and uncomfortableness. Its gonna take work and some I really dont want to go through. But its so true that you have to go through fire to be refined. And you have to have an attitude that's good and submissive to God. Everyone makes mistakes but we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of them. We have to go through things to get what we really want. I want to be stubborn in my walk with God. In a really good way. I want strong convictions that I stick to and lines and boundaries. Because to be completely honest, without Gods boundaries He wants us to have because of His love for us, our lives and the world would be chaotic. A lot like what happens to the lives of people who dont have God in them. God is living and He is living in us. But we have to CHOOSE to live out what He has for us. The goodness He has for us. To live through His love. I want my life to be a shining example of the Lords. I want to be happy and fulfilled and blessed. To be so in the will of God that more than I can ask think or imagine would happen and be birthed in me. My life is complicated. But then again thats life. Thats the adventure in it all. You cannot really predict God. And I want to have a new confidence in myself so that I do not hold back the unpredictability of God in my life. I want to know I can be used by Him and I want my soft heart to be molded by Him into His art and creation He has set out for me and planned for me to be. I want to be strong and figure out who I am IN GOD. Not in anything else. I want to surprise the world and myself. To expand above what I thought I was capable of and into something extraordinary and do things in my life I could only dream of and beyond that. I need more intimacy with God and prayer. I need God to help me. Especially in this season I have come into. To help me rise above every circumstance and come out of every consequence stronger. I want to believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made and see it in myself. I want to do so much more than what I have been doing. I dont want to stop at a roadblock forever but move on higher into God and His will. My heart is longing for it. I'm starving for something more. Something new and exciting and good for me. Not something that rips at my heart and bruises and cuts me. Not something that gives me pain and sorrow. But right before the eyes of God constantly kneeling before His throne. I want a capacity to learn and be so close to God I could not and would not want to push Him away.
I want to be who God has MADE me to be. Not what people want me to be. Who I feel like I have to try to be. What the world wants me to be.
I want to be set apart.
In Gods will.
LOVING my life.
HAPPY.
FULFILLED.
Who I am MEANT to be.
Oh, God! Help me! Mold me! Love me!
I dont want my life to be complicated...

I was only for your use...

I was only for your use
And when I didnt give you what you wanted it all fell apart
I know not what happens now
Except that I must act
I cannot say Im angry
For Im not innocent of fault
But I feel the pain of being drained
Knowing it was just a game
Just some words
I was used
I was only for your use

Im moving on
And will be used for something worth it
My God who redeems
Thank You Lord
For I am redeemed
I am loved by You

Thank you...

This is to one of my best friends
The brother
The consoler
The listener
The logic behind my chaotic ramblings

Kyle this is for you
For all the times you opened your eyes
Opened your heart
Opened ears and mind

Hahahahah why am I being poetic?
I guess its second nature
But yeah my point is thank you
For all the times you listened and helped
For THAT THING
Thank you
It made it so much more understandable
Hahaha all the mess with HIM hahah
ily
thank you
you help me more than you know :)
I need a friend like you who understands me and knows how to listen and who I can listen to right back :)
youre awesome
I value our friendship :)

Been Wanting...

I made a jump
A leap
A Dare
Im getting what Ive been wanting
Im having my night
I cant wait for that day
When I see into your eyes
Im happy
Excited

Why does it always have to be a mission?
A rule
An obstacle

Im taking this jump
This leap
This dare
Ive been wanting...

:)

Seeming to become...

I have become a non-existent care in your world.
Or so it seems.
Every memory that has slipped through the cracks.
Every promise lies broken at your feet.
You turned your back and walked away.
Please dont let it be this way.
I will stand here by the pieces and pick up the ones that fell from your heart too.
I will put them back together and hold them close.
I will embrace my hurt to mend yours.
I will wait to return these pieces you lost.
Even if I grow old and grey.
I will never break my promise to you.
Faithful to the end.

Im seeming to become just a thing of the past.
Never of worth to you anyway.
This is not true and no matter what the voices say I will not listen.
I know that this is just a break in the bend that will someday come together again.

I say your name and the tears come quickly.
I fall to my knees and I pray.
I will never cease to cry these tears or speak these prayers.
I love you.

This is seeming to become the line of every lonely harmony.
I will catch you when you fall.
Before you ever hit the ground.
I will catch you like you once caught me even if you wind up on top of me.
I will hold you up and share your pain.
I will never leave you.
When all these things that are giving you false fulfillment force you to turn back around I will be the one standing behind you.
The one that followed you into the dark just to bring you back again.
I will be the one who never left.
The one who was whispering encouragement and I love you into your ear the whole time.
If I must be bruised, broken, and bleeding its worth the cost.
The cost of you Ive held so close.
I will not be like them.
I will be the support you need.
The one behind you bracing your back when you never knew I was there.
The one who kept you knowing God is good.

This is seeming to become a chapter in life that will only bring us closer.
Time will heal and you will see.
I kept my promise and I love you...
I will never leave you...

Through the darkness...

Through the darkness is breakthrough
There is a Light waiting on the other side
Will I push through or sit down in the midst of this storm
I will not stay here or return to where I came from
I will not give up...
I stand here now and a streak of Light has touched my face
I will pull forward into the fullness of Your beauty

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil." [hebrews 8:19]

Hope
Hope
Hope.
My Anchor.
I will walk behind the veil.
I only want to please You and walk in Your will.
Here I am Lord, use me.
Your servant.
Your daughter.
Beloved.

I already knew...

By your fail to respond I already knew than answer...

It cut deep
Its still cutting deeper
Im wounded and Im bleeding
This blood thats spilling from my heart means nothing
It means my pain and trust spilling out
It shows my crippling from your actions
But my crimson stains are nothing like the ones He spilt
Through all my angst I will still say God is good
But that doesnt change what youre doing

God, I know how You watch me
How you see my life like and open book
And I know Youre my Comfort even when its hard to feel Your embrace so gentle
I know You are my Guide showing me where to go even when I feel blinded
I know that through the storm is Your peace and joy
I will trust in You even when I cant trust much else
This will turn to life, to good, to life more abundantly
And I know Youre watching over and protecting the people I love the most even when theyre hurting me or themselves who wear a mask
This will not be the end for us but a sting that heals stronger
I learn more everyday
As one chapter of life closes here You are to open new doors and write new pages
I love You
and I love you..
Im still here

No...

I dont understand...




Jesus, i need You...
Now. More than i did before.
God, i love You.

I dont understand...