I need and I love and I long to be...

I absolutely need to be told that I am loved.
I need time of quality.
I need to know that you believe in me.
I need to be hugged.
I tend to be extremely lonely and think way too much.
I am desperate to be understood.
In all these ways I am extremely sensitive, vulnerable, and fragile.
Yet, I am also extremely strong, brave, and outspoken.

I love being happy but feeling deep pain.
No, I am not masochistic.
What I mean is I love staying tender and to always be understanding of the pain of others.
I like to be soft, moldable, and compassionate.
I love keeping myself aware of the immense, peaceful, and deep love of God.

I have a deep longing to be a good wife. A mother. A friend.
(And to be Jennifer Lawrence's best friend… Let's be honest, our personalities were made for each other. It really has nothing to do with her fame. I just love awesome people.)

I have a deep urge to create, especially lately.
I love to love people.
I love lovingly leading others into a vulnerable, deep, transparent, and raw fullness of God.
Of who He is and His presence. Of who we are in Him. Into His grace.

I want to change the world by the genuineness of the heart God gave me.
I want my words to touch people - gently yet powerfully.
I want to have the wisdom of Jesus to counsel thousands. Millions.
I want both my presence and my absence to be felt.
I want to be marked, set apart, and stand out by the name of Jesus.

I don't even know what to call it...

I have been wondering a lot lately.
I have been looking at how crazy my life has gotten.
How I am doing all these things I never saw coming.
How people are looking at and asking me things I never thought anyone would.

I have been in a bit of a struggle lately.
And maybe in those moments when you get so over-run that you begin shutting down,
are the moments you start wondering.
Some things come into an odd sharpness and the rest of life just kind of blurs away.

I wonder if I will ever sing for worship again.
But my latest "on the stage in front of people" moments have been really different lately.
I never thought that would happen…
I actually never thought that I wouldn't do worship…
Funny thinking of that now.
Not that I mind too much.

I wonder where I will be in 5 months from now. 5 years.
I can't even fathom it.
I can barely think straight for the next 5 minutes as it is.
God blows my mind.
I don't want to screw this up. He has been way too good to me.

What is Grace?

I was just asked to write a paper on what grace, mercy, and forgiveness is and is not for my Nehemiah class.
I found this funny since grace is the very thing God has been teaching me and working in me.
After writing this quick paper, I am not even sure I am the one who wrote it, but the Holy Spirit through me.
I am still in humbled awe of God, His grace, and the words in this assignment.
Here it is:

 Grace is something that is undeserved, unearned, and supernatural. It is a supernatural ability to do what we cannot do on our own - to do our impossible but God’a possible. Grace finds us where we are at but does not leave us where we are. Mercy is grace in action - the very power of grace. Forgiveness is humbling and is merciful. Forgiveness and mercy are the fruits of grace. Grace is both contagious and scandalous. Grace is acceptance without first doing something to receive it. It is like walking through a door and being embraced by a complete stranger as they whisper “I love you,” without ever having known you first.

“To be alive is to be broken and to be broken is to stand in need of grace.”

-Brennan Manning ‘The Ragamuffin Gospel’

Grace is not a finished off checklist, store bought or manufactured, nor is it like the golden star waiting for you after a video game level because you’ve jumped through enough hoops to get there. It is not an incentive but a gift. Grace is not human. Humanity is considerations, sympathies, and tolerance. Grace is heavenly and godly. It was created from nothing by a God who is everything. It surpasses understanding and brotherly love. It is not the love a person can muster within themselves but can only be cultivated by the Holy Spirit inside of you. It is grace itself that even enables you to have grace. Grace does not abandon through any season. It is timeless and always existent and within grasp. It is not based off of human standard but God’s standard towards you. It never ends and knows no bounds. It is by this grace we are saved, forgiven, set free, and made to be.

Dislike...

One thing I hate more than anything - disappointing people.

If anything throws me into full fledged paranoia, this is it.
It starts the downward spiral of questioning everything.
Not even kidding...
Do you they hate my guts?
Will they still love me now?
Do I measure up?
Am I meeting expectation?
Am I now unqualified?

Funny how at the moment that sensitive trauma button is pushed, a person can completely unravel at the seams.
How my understanding of grace is completely thrown out the window.
How every memory of reprimanding, misunderstanding, tearing down, and belittling floods into my conscience.
And in those moments I am frozen in fear.

I hold myself to ridiculous standards.
And when I mess up even slightly, I am ripped apart.
Then when I don't know what to do, I usually rant on some blog post about it...
See what I did there?

[[Mark 15]]...

As of lately, I find that when I go to read my Bible, I will read one or two chapters and God will somehow illuminate some crazy sort of revelation out of it.
Then I scribble it down feverishly and sit back totally awed, unable to even digest reading another chapter.

Today, I opened my Bible to Mark 15.
I was a little uneasy in the beginning because I realized this chapter takes place right after Jesus was handed over to be killed.
Honestly, I was hoping for something a little "happier" and encouraging.
Then halfway through, it happened again.
I fell head first into a passage that should really be one that breaks my heart with conviction.
And instead, I could only see the heartbreak of God for the hardship we go through.
And I saw how much we related to Jesus.

Starting in verse 15 and going through verse 20, it reads this:

"So Pilate, wanting to gratify the crowd, released Barrabas to them; and he delivered Jesus, after he had scourged Him, to be crucified.
Then the soldiers led Him away into the hall called Praetorium, and they called together the whole garrison.
And they clothed Him with purple; and they twisted a crown of thorns, put it on His head, and began to salute Him, "Hail, King of the Jews!"
Then they struck Him on the head with a reed and spat on Him; and bowing the knee, they worshipped Him.
And when they had mocked HIm, they took the purple off Him, put His own clothes on Him, and led Him out to crucify Him."

Here is Jesus. Perfect. A good man. The Son of God.
Pilate had the power to free Him, yet he still handed Him over to His death.
Why?  To gratify the crowd.
When they took Him, they clothed Him in purple - the color of royalty. Authority.
After they had mocked Him and trampled on every thing that He is, they removed the purple clothing, put His old clothes back on Him, and took Him away to His crucifixion.

As Christians, we are now crucified with Christ and part of Him. (Galatians 2:19-21)
We have taken His life and His standards within ourselves.
And I was struck with thought that too often we hand over the Jesus in us simply to please the crowd.
Like Jesus, we are mocked and face resistance from not just others but from within ourselves.
Jesus has clothed us with Himself - His authority, His value, and His worth.
We have all we need.
Yet life tries to remove our purple clothing, dress us in our old life and all that we have been set free from, and send us to our death.

Do we realize who we are?
Who Jesus has made a way for us to be?
Am I ever throwing away the gift of Jesus because the crowd or even myself tries to clothe me with things that no longer define me?
Do I hide those feelings of defeat or the storms that I face because I fear no one will understand the struggle I am facing?
But I find comfort in the fact of knowing yet again, that if anyone ever knew what I was feeling or thinking, no one could understand me more than Jesus could.
And even through His battle, in the end, He walked in victory.
Because He persevered and won the ultimate storm to face in life, it is no question that we have, too.

Kayli "M" G... Brave...

I think it is about (perfect) time that I be writing this of her...


Every year, our church [[ http://c3sandiego.com/ ]] hosts a women's conference called Cherish.
The theme for this years Cherish conference is BRAVE and Kayli was chosen as the face of it.
I realize now that it is no coincidence.

From the moment I came to C3, I knew this woman was something, someone.
Someone not to be taken lightly.
The more I am around her, the more I realize just how right I was.

I had the honor and privilege to spend some quality one on one time with her yesterday evening.
If there is one thing I learned in that short time, it's that Kayli truly is the very essence of the word "brave".
She is confident, classy, strong, and poised.
Everything in her radiates a refined beauty.

This woman, she is going to change this city. This world.
And in this, she is more capable than she knows.
I am anxiously awaiting to know her even deeper than I do now.
And I have the amazing privilege to call her "friend".

A mouthpiece with a message.
I get both the chills and giddy with excitement when I think of how her message will influence millions.
Her very life screams victory.
Yet in all this, humility.
She is a well of deep understanding.
And there is a depth in that well that she has yet to tap into.
But when she does, that life will flood to anywhere that her foot, her voice, her message touches.
She has both the ability of a fierce fight and a gentle touch.
The combination of the two will be unstoppable.
What a profound woman of God she is.
Of more worth and more value than she can grasp or comprehend.
Apart from her gifts, her personality, and her asset to her sphere of influence - there is her value.
I see it so much.
She is far from the ordinary.
So much more than skin deep or outspoken charisma.
That is the woman that I admire and believe in passionately.
Her own passion inspires me.

Be  b r a v e , Kayli.

All that God is working within you will define what will happen around you, in due time.
Don't be afraid, God knows exactly what He is doing.
He knows what to give to you and what to remove from you. Let Him.

"No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage. for to this people you shall divide as an inheritance the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."
Joshua 1:5-8

                                   

Life. Legacy...

Your future is being shaped right now.
Everything you do, you say, you think - it is all a set up for who you will become.
Every choice matters.

Who will they say you are? Who I am?

Life  creates  L E G A C Y.

I want my life to leave a legacy that is felt.
You never really know the measure of a person until their death.
Their death brings relief to others or an unpleasantness to say goodbye.

What will they say?
What will they speak of me?
What would they speak of me now?


It is my constant aim to be a delight and benefit to those in my world.
My life is to be life to others.
My love overflows.

Lord, never let my perspective falter, but only perfect my vision.
Let my life be love and the love of Your Son.
May my life make You real to the questioners. The down and out-ers. The hurt. The deceived. And even the found, that they would never forget who they are in You.

Filter my life through Yourself.
Let my personal world be marked and built by Your hands.
Let Your blood flow through every season and decision and action.
Let my legacy be You.
Help me to live Jesus better and better everyday, by Your enabling grace.

"I hope this song starts a craze, the kind of song that ignites the airwaves."

For a world to be ignited by who You are and all You've done.

Spencer Spag...

It is amazing what a few moments can do to learn a person in such a deeper way.
Today, I had one of those moments with my good friend Spencer.

I am a wholehearted believer that God sets in order our relationships.
God uses friends to build each other and to enrich one another.

When I met Spencer only a few months ago, I never really thought about if we would be friends.
God had other plans in mind.
And today, she is not the girl I met.
I am not even sure I am the girl she met.

She has been an intern for about two months at C3 San Diego.
It has been my honor and my privilege to see her grow leaps and bounds in such a short time.
To see her take steps of obedience that are far from comfortable or easy.
I only see the beauty of Jesus shine through her more and more every day.
I am seeing gifts come alive within her.
And that is inspiring and such a joy to see.

After doing three years of interns myself at another church, knowing the trials and joys of such a decision, I love seeing the success of others along similar journeys.
Mostly because I know how easy it is to quit, or at least want to really bad.
And because I also know the tremendous transformation that lies at the tip of your fingers if you don't give up.

This girl, she loves people, and it is obvious.
She has a keen ability to relate to people, to listen, and to speak.
This girl can preach, and she barely recognizes it.
I could not be more excited to see her discover all those things locked within her, ready to come bursting out of her at any moment.

Today, through a simple "How are you?" text, I feel like we made that transition from 'friends' to 'deep spirited friends'.
Today I saw her come alive in a way I never knew.
And today, her words sparked something new in me.
And I know that she will only continue to ignite that spark within thousands.

Encouragement is the most disregarded treasure.
Yet it is more powerful than ever given credit.
I am blessed to be around people who have learned the power behind it.
The power behind a few simple words, a listening ear, a little time, and a willingness to be real.
Spencer is one of the best.
And today, I saw in her something new.
A little more through the eyes of Jesus.
Her friendship has become invaluable.

I believe in this girl.
In all that God is doing in her.
And in all that He is doing and will do through her.

Every person has a story.
Every person matters.
And this is but a small taste of just one girl who will change the world.
I am lucky enough to walk this life with her.
And I love her deeply.

Is this really my life?

I look around and think, "Is this really my life?"
I am overwhelmed by His goodness.
I am struck by the smudges of His fingertips beautifying my path.
I am surrounded by people who choose to love me.
By people who believe in me.
I am surrounded by people who are marked by the hand of God so profoundly.
Every beautiful story moves within my heart.
I find myself meditating on that scripture "My heart is overflowing with a good theme..."
The Message version puts it like this, "My heart bursts its banks, spilling beauty and goodness..."
And that is my life.
I cannot help but be so proud of the work going on around me.
The way Augusta lead part of a song tonight and you just knew, that wow, she belongs there. An influencer of the stage life. An empowerer.
To see the Tuggle take over begin at Society. That couple, powered together, will touch every community with the love and acceptance of Jesus. Their words of encouragement showing Jesus' kindness leading to repentance. They LIVE that scripture.
To see standing room only as the Holy Spirit moved through every heart.
Kayli, the mouthpiece of a movement who's prayers for others catapult destinies.
Jamie, who's wisdom exceeds them all and who will speak someday. She doesn't even see how her words are weighted and in the simplest of ways, she will transform lives.
Colin, that man and his pastors heart. He can pierce through any stereotype, any hardened heart, and any atmosphere.
Haley. Her music, her worship, her gentle heart and quiet spirit - infectious.
Only a few among the many.

Jesus use me.
Use me as you are using them.
Touch this city, this nation, with Your unfailing love and your unwavering faithfulness.
Lord, You are strong.
You are unbiased and wholehearted.
You show no favoritism and love us all the same.
Your heart yearns for me more than my heart is yearning for You.
My Spirit longs for You and my heart burns to know You more, to be You to others.
And in all that I hunger and all that I thirst, it cannot be compared to what You feel for me.
It is nothing like what You feel for others. For my friends. For the lost.
Thank You.
Even though my thanks could never be enough.
You look at me, at them, and you declare that we are enough for You.
Our value is high above and beyond worth.
Your love, God, it captures me. Captivates me. Humbles me. Drives me to my knees.
I would give it all and give it all again for You, Jesus.

THIS is only the beginning.

Humbled Vessel...

I am an earthen vessel
longing to be cracked open and spilling over.
An agent of change.
A person of influence.
A person to give love and be love.
To speak out and speak up.
I am every dream and every desire awaiting fulfillment.
I am the voice that tells you to keep going
knowing I am glad I never gave up.

I am purpose unfolding.
I am a shovel that is digging.
A heart that is seeking.
I am the knees that are caving.
I am the hands that lift up
and feet that keep walking, running.

I am a poor, broken spirit that somehow shows beauty.
I am a humbled beggar in a robe and a ring I never earned.
I am the picture of unearned grace - a small part in a greater whole and a greater picture.
I am one who knows much yet knows nothing at all.

I am the quiet soul, deep and covered,
that tries to make sense from the corner with a keyboard.
I create from the mind of a Creator.

Although I've made attempts at hiding away,
somehow He always finds me.
He guides me down a narrow path that is more than I would have imagined.
More abundant than I ever dared to hold,
way more than I could have asked for.
Even when my shortcomings show,
a wing of covering shields it away,
and I become a part of Him.

This face you see,
anything you might deem great in me,
it isn't really mine at all.
It is Him.
Every part.
And all the things I hate,
He loves.
All the things that don't belong,
He changes.
He makes all my weakness, meekness.
My pain, peace.
My ordinary, profound.
My good, great.
And in all that, I find myself humbled again.
And again, again, and again.

We Are The Devoted Ones...

I am one of those who refuses to be satisfied in shallow waters.
My heart cry is, "Lord, take me deeper."
I am humbled as God continues to answer this cry within my soul.
The resistance is felt as I am led.
But I continue. I fight.
I yearn for more.
I yearn for His Spirit to guide and for all to follow.
I yearn for close relationships and deep connections.
I yearn to know Jesus on new levels.
I yearn to feel my heart sync with the beating of His own.
I yearn for my eyes to see through His perspective.
May I walk in wisdom, in humility, and His unending grace.
May I speak with honesty, truth, and purity.
May He show me mercy when I fall short, and more-so, may I show myself that same mercy.

I have vision for my future.
I dare to dream and only wish that I would never settle for less.
That my dreams would outgrow me so that I may grow into them.
I want to never forget to believe that God is able.
That He far exceeds and that He is far above.
Greater still, that He has all control.

I yearn to walk in peace always.
To walk surely and steadfastly.
Compassionately and lovingly.
With fire in my heart and wind in my sails.

I deeply desire to see fruition in the lives of those around me.
I pray peace, grace, and success.
I long to see my friends' dreams fulfilled.
To see each and every one walking fully in His calling.
I pray that they would see themselves the way Jesus does and never stray from His path.
That they would never doubt the One working within them.
I want them to believe.
I want them to feel loved, encouraged, supported, and wholly cared for.
I want them to always feel the Holy Spirit resting on them, guiding them, speaking to them, enabling them, and so proud of them.
I want their hearts to be ever filled and overflowing with His perfect, un-earnable, yet lavishly poured out love.

Fill us up, God, with all that is You.
Let us reflect your Son, Jesus.
Let us know you to the full.
Let us love others like You do.

We are the devoted ones.

A Little About Me...

A little about me.

I am incredibly insecure at the most random of moments.
There is no stopping it.
I am either very confident and really outgoing OR I am very quiet and shy.
It is mostly dependent on the mood of my day.
I always fear of intruding in a place I don't belong.
I question my place often, even with my closest friends. Always wondering if I truly DO belong.
I really love books, coffee, and pandas.
I thrive on deep connection and one-on-one time. I need it.
I really like hugs and affection and hearing "I love you."
If I don't get those things for prolonged period of times I feel really unloved and shut down completely.
I love blogging - when I have/make the time.
I am probably more real when I write than I am any other time.
I love people. A lot. I love loving them. Praying for them. Doing things for them. Especially if I feel close to and connected to you.
Sometimes I wonder if that gift in me is more of a con than a pro, but I can't help it.
I often feel like my heart is going to EXPLODE for how much I love people.
My friends and Jesus bring me crazy joy.
My heart breaks in the same way FOR people.
I think that the idea that LOVE is conditional or earned is absolutely absurd!
Although, I often feel the same. For people to love me, not for me to love them. Loving is easy for me.
But if it breaks my heart to see hurting people who think they have to do something to be loved, I wonder how much more it breaks Jesus' heart.
I am very, very observant.
I think a lot. Probably too much.
I try to let my focus always be Jesus. -in church, in life, in what I do, in doctrine, in faith, in hope, in trouble, in love, all in all.
I think much more than I say. I just respond to myself. Mull it over.
I am petrified to say something stupid or do something because I fear that I will drive away the people that I love and care about most.
Not because what I say would be offensive but simply because I am weird - being embarrassed of me.

As I write this, I feel like I can almost hear Jesus screaming at me that some of this is absolutely crazy.
That He would want me to think differently.
I feel the tugging on my heart that Jesus loves me extravagantly.
That He wants me to dream and believe with Him. That He believes in me.
And that He wants to break my fears and insecurities off my life.
That could be my prayer. For me. For my friends. I'm probably not the only one who feels those things.
In all of my lack, it is humbling seeing Jesus cover them with His love and His care.
That He would project Himself through me.
That He would bless me with amazing people who love me despite the fact that I am so, so weird.
Grace is divine enablement.
And boy, have I been divinely able to do a lot of things.
Including overcoming all of my absurd thought patterns and scarred hurts that have accumulated over many, many years.
God is incredibly good. More than I could imagine.
And God has been speaking wonders into my world as of late.
I KNOW that I do not deserve to be where I am at in life. I don't deserve my wonderful church and my wonderful friends. And I do not deserve where God is taking me in my life.
Yet still, He does.
He does,
He's doing,
He is acting.
For me.
Wow.

Believe & See...

So many new things happening all at once.
A lot of things to be unsure of.
A mysterious summer just around the corner.
I am dreaming of life where all is possible.
Even the things no one ever believed were in the cards for me.
I am hoping on a feeling and every word I ever got for you, for me.
Looking forward to something new and the uncharted waters.
Trying my best for the success I know I am capable of.
Striving to be more me and what I see in my mind.
Not letting myself drown in a bubble I use to float in.
It is time for the next chapter.
I am so anticipating what lies ahead.
Fearless and free.
Wise and being ever filled by His love, His Spirit, His grace.
No doubting.
Just believing.

 "Wisdom is hearing God's voice and obeying it."

 It is also not doubting His voice.
I believe I am deserving of everything you've already gave.
Let me see what You're seeing.
Let them see it too.

Quite timely...

Today, I had to write a paper for an Old Testament Survey assignment.
Little did I know, that it was an appointed time for the Holy Spirit to speak to me when I needed it most, along with the encouraging words of two of my closest friends - Hannah and Jake.
I felt I should share...
This is my paper:

Brittany Curry

Nahum 1:7

  The Amplified bible puts this verse very beautifully. It says, “The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him.”  Upon reading this verse for the assignment, I was actually taken aback some.  For me, this verse is very timely.  I looked at it at the exact moment of my need for God to speak comfort to me.  Exactly that has been happening all morning.

  Most christians, at least those who have been around for about a year or so I would assume, know the saying, “God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good,”  I have lost count on how many times I have proclaimed those words aloud along with a group of fellow believers.  Yet I can confidently say that most of those times, as I have repeated them almost robotically, that my heart had a hard time believing them as my head did.

  This whole ordeal reminds me of another passage of scripture in none other than the book of Lamentations.  That book is filled with, quite obviously, loads of lamenting.  Honestly, it can be a little depressing to read.  I was also reading that book today - in a time I felt a lament in my own spirit.  You can say that I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be wading through it.  As I read though, something struck me.  In the very middle of all this lament, (literally, in the middle), was this cluster of verses of complete comfort and hope.  The verses are found in chapter 3, verses 21 through 32.  This is what they read - “This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for man to bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, because God has laid it on him; let him put his mouth in the dust - there may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him, and be full of reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies.”

  God understands us deeply and wholly. Even when we are going through trial, He is our strength, our comfort, and our solidness to grasp onto in distress. Sometimes, hardship is meant for our blessing rather than our cursing. We have to choose to let it be a time to learn to be more dependent on God and be independent of ourselves. To be independent is to be foolish.  Psalm 1:6 says, “For the Lord knows and is fully acquainted with the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly [those living outside God’s will] shall perish (end in ruin and come to nought).  Do not think that God does not know what you are going through because if you’re serving Him, He is well acquainted with the in’s and out’s of your life. God knows our hearts and our thoughts, our pains and our griefs. We are God’s sheep and He is our Shepherd - we know His voice and He knows ours.

  I choose to allow my spirit to take comfort in knowing who my God is and what He thinks about me. I choose to rest in His grace knowing that He is preparing me for what is ahead so that I may more fully and capably do what He has for me to do. I know that His promises are for me and that this time is the race set before me to take hold of those promises. “Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4 Amp.) There is purpose in the pain and affliciton. There is joy and satisfaction in the steadfast spirit of those who persevere, confidently assured and rightfully responding to the grace and call of Jesus.

No Idea...

God. I have no idea what You are doing.
But whatever it is, I trust You.
Take my heart. Take my mind.
THIS is all in Your hands.

I will never settle...

There are no words for heart break.
Not really anyway.

There are even less words to encompass the feeling of knowing someone you have grown to love is looking at your best friend next to you.

You don't deserve me.
I will never settle.
The man for me will see me and only me.
He will protect my heart from pain and comparison.
He will love me like Jesus.
He will pursue me passionately and persistently.
He will love me wholly and unconditionally.

I will not settle for ordinary.
I will not settle for what people think I need.
I will not settle in the midst of my insecurities.

I will grab hold of who Jesus knows I need.
And he will be all I want.
More than I imagined.
A dream amidst reality.

I will not settle.

Love you,,,

Everyday I am falling more in love with you.
I cannot stop this feeling.
I try to run away but yet again, I find myself ending up with you.
I would wait for you.
I just want to know that my waiting won't be in vain.

Don't stand too close.
You send me sideways.
You smile and I find every wall coming down.
I yell inside my head, trying to let you go.
I can't.
You don't know what you do to me.

I want to be there for you.
I want my hand to be the one you hold.
You'll always know I would be by your side.
Helpmate.
Love mate.
My mate.
I'd kiss your cheek and you would know, my sweetest thoughts are always the ones of you.
I could be your unconditional love.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you...

Shoot...

I cannot believe what is happening.
This is not suppose to be going this way.
Misunderstandings.
An upcoming talk.
I am nervous.
Afraid.

Please,
don't let this ruin us.
Don't leave me.
Don't get the wrong impression.
I love you.
But you are also my friend.

I don't want to lose you.

Waiting for impossible...

I am waiting for the impossible.
I am hoping.
I am securing faith.
God is able.
Now only if He is willing.

Not my will but Yours be done.

Not Over...

I just have this feeling that...
THIS isn't over.

I must hope in you.

And if it stays this way,
at least I can say that
I loved you.

You will be
the best.

Or our bests will
find us.

The truth to tell...

I feel the need to tell the truth.
To unabashedly open my heart and spill the contents.

But sometimes, I don't even like to admit it to myself.

I should have told my best friend.
I should have allowed myself to be vulnerable.

But I wasn't ready for the tears.

Confused...

I am confused.
I thought I heard from God.
I thought I would be good enough this time.
I thought I was doing things RIGHT.

You are one of my best friends.
Are you not suppose to fall for your best friend?
We worked.
There was seamless unison.

I just want to know where I went wrong.
Will it always be this way?

They always come to me.
I listen. I advise.
But its never about me.
I get hurt.
And I keep my friends from hurting the best I can.

How come when I do it right it still fails?
I didn't look for this.
It just came.
Everyone saw it.

I thought I knew...

I am confused.
I don't know if I know what I thought I knew.
Did I ever know?
I don't get it.

My Adventure...

You are the biggest adventure that I have ever been on.
Filled with more fun and more wonder than I ever knew that I could have.
You make me, me.
More me than I ever knew I could be.
You make me wonderful.
You are everything that is meant for me.

I've been down many roads.
I have made much mistakes.
But I know this is not that.
It is the mark of something more; new.

You're the only one I want to know.
And together, we will be unstoppable.

Let's start our dreams and make them reality.

From the moment I met you, I knew that I wanted you around.
You do something to me that I cannot explain.
But the something that you do, I never want to lose.

To love you, that would be easy.
You are every lovely word.
You are the only one that my eyes see.
And more than anything, I hope you're thinking of me.