The only way I could release part of you.

For me, writing here is one of the fews ways I can channel anything that I feel.
I can release. Create. Form. Speak.

I feel it again.
That tightening in my throat.
That feeling that I am suffocating.
That pain and that ache in my chest.

It is you.
It has been months and I cannot erase your face.
All the feelings that I felt for you.
And all that pain that you left me with and continue to shower me with.
If only I had listened to my friend.
She knew being with you would be dangerous.
But I couldn't let you go.
I couldn't because I loved you.
And you loved me.

But I doubt that now.
I don't see how you could have.
Especially now.
After all that has happened and your lack to even acknowledge that I exist.
How could that be love?

Everyday, you are on my mind.
Sometimes for seconds.
Other times for hours.
Like dominos, it all hits the fan.
Every memory crushes me from the inside out.
Even the good ones turn to nightmares because it all came to nothing.
Like it was all a lie.
I was sucked into this world of you and me.
And then I was suddenly yanked out and torn to pieces.

I SHOULD be over this by now.
I know this.
I've said this.
But so far, I cannot.
I cannot just forget you.
You still play in my dreams when I sleep.
When I am awake, sometimes I see you.
I close my eyes or try to focus and there you are.
Playing every string of me.
Things you said.
Things you did.
The way you speak.
The songs you sang.
The way you hugged me or kissed my cheek.
The looks you gave.
The family I met.
The long nights we spoke.
Your laugh.
And the last time you ever spoke to me.

Sometimes I think that you will finally break the silence.
Say hello.
Ask how I am.
APOLOGIZE.
ha...right.

Sometimes I think you will just show up here unannounced.
But you won't.
And if you did, it would never play out the way it plays out in my mind.
It makes me sick.
Not you, but the way I fell for you.
The way I am still stuck to you.

All of this just because I loved you.

Simplicity of You...

WHERE is the simplicity that I once knew?

The simplicity that is writhing in my bones.
That is calling from within me.
The one that I have not even experienced yet.

I am reminded that it is not some map of a place I do not know.
It is not some foreign language that you have to learn.

It is more like a hand that you reach out to hold.
It's like how your heart beats without any personal effort from without.
It is like opening your eyes and looking.

I want to remove everything.
And when I do.
When I force my mind to move away everything, its like my eyes, my heart, and my spirit all connect together and He is there.
I see the face of Jesus.
I see His eyes.
No words needed.
No trying.
No mistakes.
No "accomplishments".
It isn't how much I did or did not pray that day.
Or if and what I did or did not read in my Bible that day.
It was just Jesus and me.

YES.
Praying, my Bible, my words are necessary!
But sometimes, I know that I am too distracted by life and pressure, that I could read my whole Bible and MISS. THE. POINT.
I MISS JESUS.
I miss the very person I am pursuing!

How dare I!
But still! In how much I bully myself for my lack, He doesn't even care.
As soon as I focus my attention He still wants me.
My time. My love.
To give me His!
And again, and again, and again I am completely and utterly humbled!

I am NOTHING.
I am small and weak and bruised.
I fail and I can be selfish.
And even in all my seeking and learning and all that I try and I want to attain it is still nothing compared to the vastness of who God is and what He does!

Sometimes I catch myself thinking in response:
I know this already! I've heard this before.
I've felt that. I've come to that conclusion.
Yeah, I get it.

WHAT?!
No.
Forgive me for thinking in such ways.
Let me hear it again! And again if necessary.
For those words are living and those things are necessary.
And things that are living still and always will have meaning.
Let me be reminded.
Let me not be the one that has those thoughts.
I receive and I will receive again.
In every season.

God, help me to be simple in how I relate to You.
Let me be simple in our relationship.
In how I lead people to You.
Let me not forget Your face.
Let me not forget Your eyes, Your words, Your love.
Do not allow what I learn to fog YOU from me.
I want it all to be about You and for You.
And in not being able to say it enough, I love You.

Throwing Up A Hand 1

The room is spinning.
Colors melting together, blending.
Shut eyes tightly. Squeezed.
Blocking all the noise, the faces, throwing opinions when they don't even know me.
Are you even listening?
I'd rather keep my mouth closed than risk another misunderstanding face.
Maybe I keep my mouth shut a little too much.
Even throwing up a hand at the ones I shouldn't.
Comes down to this a lot.
Haven't seemed to catch this one completely yet.
Regrets.

Foreign places looming over my head.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.
I can do this even if I haven't before.

I'll take the words my shepherd spoke.
I will be blessed.
I will be deemed a success.

My life may not look like your's or their's but I know its looking the way it was meant for me.
I will live the pages He wrote for me.
Forgive me, I'm not perfect but I know You've made a way for me even through all those trips and scrapes that mark me.

I am determined to fight through.
Even when my limits stretch and I feel myself break.
I will do it.
Brace myself.
I'm in for the long ride.