And here it goes again. change, its life....

tonight was the first night of my yet again, NEW connect group.
but this sint the same as before. im the leader now. with travis.
God has given me this and i wasnt even expecting it so soon.
i am being pushed into a high leverl of leadership adn its good.
im being stretched and molded and tested.
God, You can count on me. i promise.
it went better than expected. not as well as it couldve been but good.
but i know in my heart itll get better. after all it exceded my expectations.
people opened up. people who once never did. a lot of people couldnt make it tonight but they will. this connect group will flourish and grow.
it wont be ordinary or dry. i wont let it. it will be powerful and will prove people wrong. it will be a good thing. i trust You, Lord.

i had a nice workout with Grace after. it was fun. we're goofs lol
im getting realyl good at this exercise, get fit thing =]
tomorrow me and my best friend are hanging out again.
i love her.
she also gave me the best birthday ever. it was a fun 18th.
im an adult legally now lol

the 10th anniversary banquet was bomb sunday. i liked it.
it encouraged my vision.
im so excited for interns and what God wants to do in my life.
im so ready to walk even deeper with the Lord.

today at school me and nick talked during prayer. it was so good.
God has been speaking to us both to get more into the Word.
i need to make more time for that.
i need to not be distracted and also do better in school.
reminds me, i have to work my butt off on my current events project due friday. Lord help me. i AM gonna graduate lol

ooh ooh and im going to disneyland the 17th with choir. my first time ever going. AND DONNA IS GONNA MEET ME THERE AND HANG OUT WITH ME! =D
my donna baby! <3 its gonna be so fun. im gonna ditch the choir kids and chill with one of my favorite people ever! =] but i may drag cassie with me lol
BUT IM HANGING WITH DONNA! WOOOOOOOOO! =D YAY!

GOD IS SO GOOD! WOO!
blog again soon! =D

Do you not see?

Do you not see it?
Can you not see that its hurting me?
Those words you spoke werent just words but the ones that go down deep and hurt my heart.
Theres nothing more I can think to do.
Whats worse is youll never know how you hurt me...
I never tell you. I let it go...
Im waiting for you to come back.
But Im already broken and only breaking more...
Its ok, I forgive you, but will you?
I love you.
Its still hard though.
Those words you said and cant take back spin through my head.
I dont even know if youd want to take them back.
Cant you see youre hurting me?
And I always thought you knew it was different than that.
Have you forgotten.
Its ok, Ill always forgive you.
I love you.
Dont you remember that?

Give it away...

I feel retarded...
I think I really just need to give things to God.
Is this wrong?
To feel these things I do?
Is it forbidden? Because I cant help the way Im feeling but I wont ever let it go too far. Im holding it back with all thats within me.
And then I feel as though things are slipping into an odd place. Is it bad to feel jealous of this other thing going on. Actually its both. But Im human and even though Im pushing it away I am jealous and confused and hurt.
Dont think that by me saying this that Im saying God isnt good. Because He is. Wholly and completely. But it doesnt mean I dont feel things.
Nobody even knows what I am talking about really but it feels nice for me to write because I know what Im thinking.
Blogging helps me get out the things I cant seem to say for real.
If I knew that it was ok to, theres only 2 people Id want to pour my heart out to. This excludes the Lord. I tell Him everything. But friends. Theres 2 I want to tell and pour out to but I cant.
Im doing ok. God and I are good so dont get me wrong. This is just how I get stuff out.
God is working in me so radically right now and its good. Im realizing a lot and stepping into a lot and getting prepared for a lot. Its good. But sometimes doing it alone, is really hard.
I have to give it away.

Also, sometimes Im a poop face jerk and I feel bad...
Im sorry.
The person that is to will probably never read this blog but I am sorry.
I already told you, I just wish youd forgive me now.
You offended me and I did it back. Not cool. Im sorry.
Just a hard day today. I didnt even get to tell you...
Geeze, I love you. HAH and youll probaly really not ever read this. lol oh well.
OK I think I need to stop now...

Im losing it lol

It seems that you dont quite realize what you have until you fear you may be losing it.
Man, having a fever really does things to your mind.
I fear it may be throwing a deep sense of paranoia on me.
But if its not, if this is all real, then it all sucks.
Ahh i dont know what im babbling on about, nevermind.

But, I saw my brother today. It was nice. I missed him.
I just hope he'll give in and go to church with me on sunday.
I feel like he still has a wall up to that.
God, please break that wall.
I care too much to just let it go.

I am starting to feel a little better from my plague of a sickness.
My muscles still ache but i am now mobile.
I can see without a haze and tears streaming down my face.
Im just better but i have a ways to go.
I have a lot to catch up on in school though.
I currently have 2 F's and a D.
All of which i pray i can get up quickly here.
Graduation is in 3 months.
Holyy Crapp!

Im glad im a little better now.
I think I can manage the gym tomorrow.
Grace thinks i got my fever from working out too hard too soon at the gym.
I think i may believe her.
I have to slow my roll and stop trying so hard.
Hah now im gonna have to slow down. my body wont be able to take much tomorrow.
Then i have to make myself sit down and type my darn english essay before i ruin my chance at graduation. im so scared. Jesus help me lol

anyway. im so blahhhh. i need the Lord.

BUT! Josh and Joannas wedding is saturday =D woooo!

Why does it seem like this?

I feel like im not doing what i should. or what i could.
I feel kinda like my world is being flipped and flopped a little.
Some good, some not so good. Some really confusing.

I wonder sometimes if im a good enough friend.
Or if im missing something and slowly failing into something not so worth it.
I just want to be there for her. Help her.
But nothing i seem to say is doing any good.
Like im being slowly pushed away.
Or maybe its just me i dont know.

I just want to be stable.
In who i am and what im doing.
Being just who i am.
Not looked at like some weed that stumbles to and fro.
I was always told i was like Peter.
Simon-Peter. One day a weed and another time a rock.
How can a person be 2 things so different at the same time?
People are getting sick of it.
But i feel im getting more sick of myself.
Knock it off.
Ive been told that way too many times this week.
Why cant i just listen?!!!

Knock it off, Britt.
This isnt ok anymore.
Its not fun and im disgusted with what Ive been doing.
Disgusted in myself.
I need to just stop.
Why am i like this?!

Just knock it off...