Life has become subliminal.
Well, I'm not even sure what to do about that.
I don't get it all.
It is wrapped up in assorted papers.
I am afraid what to do because it is like walking on broken glass.
I could make a fatal mistake at any movement.
I do not know which to believe is real.
What is a hologram of faux intentions; you can see it but it doesn't really exist.
And what is accurately taking shape?
I have no idea.
I am tired of old patterns constantly taking shape in my life over and over again just in a different visual form.
I don't feel I deserve that.
It is like no matter how much I change, what happens to me is not.
Why?
Do I not deserve more?
Do I not deserve for it to just be good for me?
I want it to be real.
To be good.
To be worth it.
I want my life.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Falling In Love.
I want it to be
like just another day.
You and me, just friends.
And one day you'll
slip your hand in mine.
We'd be falling in love.
Everyday a step closer
to our hearts
and our lives aligning together.
You'll be mine
and I'll be yours.
We won't have to say it,
they'll say it for us already.
No questions,
just knowing.
They will see us,
I will see you,
and you will see me.
It'll be easy.
Falling in love.
You'll kiss my cheek.
And in that moment we will both know
that forever already started.
We will know each others eyes
and in each others arms will be home.
Perfect fit.
We will all know
we were made for each other.
Harmony.
We'll never forget the moment we knew
we're in love now.
This is falling in love.
like just another day.
You and me, just friends.
And one day you'll
slip your hand in mine.
We'd be falling in love.
Everyday a step closer
to our hearts
and our lives aligning together.
You'll be mine
and I'll be yours.
We won't have to say it,
they'll say it for us already.
No questions,
just knowing.
They will see us,
I will see you,
and you will see me.
It'll be easy.
Falling in love.
You'll kiss my cheek.
And in that moment we will both know
that forever already started.
We will know each others eyes
and in each others arms will be home.
Perfect fit.
We will all know
we were made for each other.
Harmony.
We'll never forget the moment we knew
we're in love now.
This is falling in love.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Reminded.
The older I get.
The more I grow.
The more I realize, I just need more of You, Jesus.
Remind me, Lord.
It is ALL about You.
You're my life, my love, and all I'll ever be.
The more I grow.
The more I realize, I just need more of You, Jesus.
Remind me, Lord.
It is ALL about You.
You're my life, my love, and all I'll ever be.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Until Forever Never Ends...
It's getting to be that time.
I am itching for a change.
Itching for that moment.
For something better of myself.
Waiting for that moment its not so scary anymore.
Waiting for that moment its not just a longing but a reality.
I am anticipating that feeling.
I don't know what to expect.
What to feel.
What to say.
I just know what I want.
And what I can never do on my own.
Almost my time.
I won't feel left to the side, in the back, or shadowed away anymore.
I'll be stepping out, stepping in, locked in that whirlwind.
I will smile.
I will flutter.
I will be warmed from within.
I can do this.
I'll believe I deserve this once again.
It won't end.
It'll begin.
It will be real.
It will be blessed.
It will soar, jump, climb, grow, explode.
It will be my promise.
My surprise.
It will form before my eyes.
I will breathe.
I will rest.
Breathe out and be at ease.
It is coming.
It is mine.
And I will cherish it all until forever never ends.
I am itching for a change.
Itching for that moment.
For something better of myself.
Waiting for that moment its not so scary anymore.
Waiting for that moment its not just a longing but a reality.
I am anticipating that feeling.
I don't know what to expect.
What to feel.
What to say.
I just know what I want.
And what I can never do on my own.
Almost my time.
I won't feel left to the side, in the back, or shadowed away anymore.
I'll be stepping out, stepping in, locked in that whirlwind.
I will smile.
I will flutter.
I will be warmed from within.
I can do this.
I'll believe I deserve this once again.
It won't end.
It'll begin.
It will be real.
It will be blessed.
It will soar, jump, climb, grow, explode.
It will be my promise.
My surprise.
It will form before my eyes.
I will breathe.
I will rest.
Breathe out and be at ease.
It is coming.
It is mine.
And I will cherish it all until forever never ends.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
And then I myself become...
"When it is my time to go, go ahead and take me home, I know I'll be with You." Beautiful Eulogy
Everything that has come and gone, and all that lies ahead of me, was and is unforeseen.
All that I can count on for sure is that You were there with me, here with me, and will always be the home which I am enclosed in.
I cannot escape You nor can I break You.
I can be comforted by the fact that no matter what I see or do or experience, it will all be surrounded by You.
If I fall it will be into Your arms.
If I cry out it will be into Your ears.
My voice will be heard and my heart will be protected, mended, and forever defended.
My life is still unraveling but my end is no mystery. It will always be You.
My Beginning. My Middle. My End. All equaling out to just You.
By You. For You. With You.
By Your love, Your grace, my faith in Your name.
All of this blessed life even though I was and will never be worthy to be saved.
Yet every step of my life was important to You even when it made no matter to me.
I never want to lose the awe I have for You.
I want the acts of Your hand, the moving of Your Spirit, the depth of Your word, and the extravagance of Your love to always cause that thickness in my throat and the tears that gather in my eyes.
You come alive to me and then I find that with it, I myself become living.
Everything that has come and gone, and all that lies ahead of me, was and is unforeseen.
All that I can count on for sure is that You were there with me, here with me, and will always be the home which I am enclosed in.
I cannot escape You nor can I break You.
I can be comforted by the fact that no matter what I see or do or experience, it will all be surrounded by You.
If I fall it will be into Your arms.
If I cry out it will be into Your ears.
My voice will be heard and my heart will be protected, mended, and forever defended.
My life is still unraveling but my end is no mystery. It will always be You.
My Beginning. My Middle. My End. All equaling out to just You.
By You. For You. With You.
By Your love, Your grace, my faith in Your name.
All of this blessed life even though I was and will never be worthy to be saved.
Yet every step of my life was important to You even when it made no matter to me.
I never want to lose the awe I have for You.
I want the acts of Your hand, the moving of Your Spirit, the depth of Your word, and the extravagance of Your love to always cause that thickness in my throat and the tears that gather in my eyes.
You come alive to me and then I find that with it, I myself become living.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Maybe more, maybe if...
Do you ever feel like you are not appreciated?
Like you are just a convenience?
Sometimes I do.
Not always.
But sometimes.
Sometimes I think, maybe I would be more liked, more important, if I were funnier.
Maybe if I looked better.
If I had more skills or I was more successful.
I am an insane lover of people.
But being that, being more sensitive as people would call me, sometimes you don't feel the love in return so much.
Maybe I only begin to feel this way during times I am more vulnerable.
I am about to make a change.
And I really want to stick with it.
I am really hoping that this next season in my life and the seasons thereafter will be fruitful.
Different. Better. More than even I can hope for.
I want to be noticed.
Not for popularities sake, but for the very fact that I exist.
I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I'm determined.
Like you are just a convenience?
Sometimes I do.
Not always.
But sometimes.
Sometimes I think, maybe I would be more liked, more important, if I were funnier.
Maybe if I looked better.
If I had more skills or I was more successful.
I am an insane lover of people.
But being that, being more sensitive as people would call me, sometimes you don't feel the love in return so much.
Maybe I only begin to feel this way during times I am more vulnerable.
I am about to make a change.
And I really want to stick with it.
I am really hoping that this next season in my life and the seasons thereafter will be fruitful.
Different. Better. More than even I can hope for.
I want to be noticed.
Not for popularities sake, but for the very fact that I exist.
I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I'm determined.
Monday, August 20, 2012
The only way I could release part of you.
For me, writing here is one of the fews ways I can channel anything that I feel.
I can release. Create. Form. Speak.
I feel it again.
That tightening in my throat.
That feeling that I am suffocating.
That pain and that ache in my chest.
It is you.
It has been months and I cannot erase your face.
All the feelings that I felt for you.
And all that pain that you left me with and continue to shower me with.
If only I had listened to my friend.
She knew being with you would be dangerous.
But I couldn't let you go.
I couldn't because I loved you.
And you loved me.
But I doubt that now.
I don't see how you could have.
Especially now.
After all that has happened and your lack to even acknowledge that I exist.
How could that be love?
Everyday, you are on my mind.
Sometimes for seconds.
Other times for hours.
Like dominos, it all hits the fan.
Every memory crushes me from the inside out.
Even the good ones turn to nightmares because it all came to nothing.
Like it was all a lie.
I was sucked into this world of you and me.
And then I was suddenly yanked out and torn to pieces.
I SHOULD be over this by now.
I know this.
I've said this.
But so far, I cannot.
I cannot just forget you.
You still play in my dreams when I sleep.
When I am awake, sometimes I see you.
I close my eyes or try to focus and there you are.
Playing every string of me.
Things you said.
Things you did.
The way you speak.
The songs you sang.
The way you hugged me or kissed my cheek.
The looks you gave.
The family I met.
The long nights we spoke.
Your laugh.
And the last time you ever spoke to me.
Sometimes I think that you will finally break the silence.
Say hello.
Ask how I am.
APOLOGIZE.
ha...right.
Sometimes I think you will just show up here unannounced.
But you won't.
And if you did, it would never play out the way it plays out in my mind.
It makes me sick.
Not you, but the way I fell for you.
The way I am still stuck to you.
All of this just because I loved you.
I can release. Create. Form. Speak.
I feel it again.
That tightening in my throat.
That feeling that I am suffocating.
That pain and that ache in my chest.
It is you.
It has been months and I cannot erase your face.
All the feelings that I felt for you.
And all that pain that you left me with and continue to shower me with.
If only I had listened to my friend.
She knew being with you would be dangerous.
But I couldn't let you go.
I couldn't because I loved you.
And you loved me.
But I doubt that now.
I don't see how you could have.
Especially now.
After all that has happened and your lack to even acknowledge that I exist.
How could that be love?
Everyday, you are on my mind.
Sometimes for seconds.
Other times for hours.
Like dominos, it all hits the fan.
Every memory crushes me from the inside out.
Even the good ones turn to nightmares because it all came to nothing.
Like it was all a lie.
I was sucked into this world of you and me.
And then I was suddenly yanked out and torn to pieces.
I SHOULD be over this by now.
I know this.
I've said this.
But so far, I cannot.
I cannot just forget you.
You still play in my dreams when I sleep.
When I am awake, sometimes I see you.
I close my eyes or try to focus and there you are.
Playing every string of me.
Things you said.
Things you did.
The way you speak.
The songs you sang.
The way you hugged me or kissed my cheek.
The looks you gave.
The family I met.
The long nights we spoke.
Your laugh.
And the last time you ever spoke to me.
Sometimes I think that you will finally break the silence.
Say hello.
Ask how I am.
APOLOGIZE.
ha...right.
Sometimes I think you will just show up here unannounced.
But you won't.
And if you did, it would never play out the way it plays out in my mind.
It makes me sick.
Not you, but the way I fell for you.
The way I am still stuck to you.
All of this just because I loved you.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Simplicity of You...
WHERE is the simplicity that I once knew?
The simplicity that is writhing in my bones.
That is calling from within me.
The one that I have not even experienced yet.
I am reminded that it is not some map of a place I do not know.
It is not some foreign language that you have to learn.
It is more like a hand that you reach out to hold.
It's like how your heart beats without any personal effort from without.
It is like opening your eyes and looking.
I want to remove everything.
And when I do.
When I force my mind to move away everything, its like my eyes, my heart, and my spirit all connect together and He is there.
I see the face of Jesus.
I see His eyes.
No words needed.
No trying.
No mistakes.
No "accomplishments".
It isn't how much I did or did not pray that day.
Or if and what I did or did not read in my Bible that day.
It was just Jesus and me.
YES.
Praying, my Bible, my words are necessary!
But sometimes, I know that I am too distracted by life and pressure, that I could read my whole Bible and MISS. THE. POINT.
I MISS JESUS.
I miss the very person I am pursuing!
How dare I!
But still! In how much I bully myself for my lack, He doesn't even care.
As soon as I focus my attention He still wants me.
My time. My love.
To give me His!
And again, and again, and again I am completely and utterly humbled!
I am NOTHING.
I am small and weak and bruised.
I fail and I can be selfish.
And even in all my seeking and learning and all that I try and I want to attain it is still nothing compared to the vastness of who God is and what He does!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking in response:
I know this already! I've heard this before.
I've felt that. I've come to that conclusion.
Yeah, I get it.
WHAT?!
No.
Forgive me for thinking in such ways.
Let me hear it again! And again if necessary.
For those words are living and those things are necessary.
And things that are living still and always will have meaning.
Let me be reminded.
Let me not be the one that has those thoughts.
I receive and I will receive again.
In every season.
God, help me to be simple in how I relate to You.
Let me be simple in our relationship.
In how I lead people to You.
Let me not forget Your face.
Let me not forget Your eyes, Your words, Your love.
Do not allow what I learn to fog YOU from me.
I want it all to be about You and for You.
And in not being able to say it enough, I love You.
The simplicity that is writhing in my bones.
That is calling from within me.
The one that I have not even experienced yet.
I am reminded that it is not some map of a place I do not know.
It is not some foreign language that you have to learn.
It is more like a hand that you reach out to hold.
It's like how your heart beats without any personal effort from without.
It is like opening your eyes and looking.
I want to remove everything.
And when I do.
When I force my mind to move away everything, its like my eyes, my heart, and my spirit all connect together and He is there.
I see the face of Jesus.
I see His eyes.
No words needed.
No trying.
No mistakes.
No "accomplishments".
It isn't how much I did or did not pray that day.
Or if and what I did or did not read in my Bible that day.
It was just Jesus and me.
YES.
Praying, my Bible, my words are necessary!
But sometimes, I know that I am too distracted by life and pressure, that I could read my whole Bible and MISS. THE. POINT.
I MISS JESUS.
I miss the very person I am pursuing!
How dare I!
But still! In how much I bully myself for my lack, He doesn't even care.
As soon as I focus my attention He still wants me.
My time. My love.
To give me His!
And again, and again, and again I am completely and utterly humbled!
I am NOTHING.
I am small and weak and bruised.
I fail and I can be selfish.
And even in all my seeking and learning and all that I try and I want to attain it is still nothing compared to the vastness of who God is and what He does!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking in response:
I know this already! I've heard this before.
I've felt that. I've come to that conclusion.
Yeah, I get it.
WHAT?!
No.
Forgive me for thinking in such ways.
Let me hear it again! And again if necessary.
For those words are living and those things are necessary.
And things that are living still and always will have meaning.
Let me be reminded.
Let me not be the one that has those thoughts.
I receive and I will receive again.
In every season.
God, help me to be simple in how I relate to You.
Let me be simple in our relationship.
In how I lead people to You.
Let me not forget Your face.
Let me not forget Your eyes, Your words, Your love.
Do not allow what I learn to fog YOU from me.
I want it all to be about You and for You.
And in not being able to say it enough, I love You.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Throwing Up A Hand 1
The room is spinning.
Colors melting together, blending.
Shut eyes tightly. Squeezed.
Blocking all the noise, the faces, throwing opinions when they don't even know me.
Are you even listening?
I'd rather keep my mouth closed than risk another misunderstanding face.
Maybe I keep my mouth shut a little too much.
Even throwing up a hand at the ones I shouldn't.
Comes down to this a lot.
Haven't seemed to catch this one completely yet.
Regrets.
Foreign places looming over my head.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.
I can do this even if I haven't before.
I'll take the words my shepherd spoke.
I will be blessed.
I will be deemed a success.
My life may not look like your's or their's but I know its looking the way it was meant for me.
I will live the pages He wrote for me.
Forgive me, I'm not perfect but I know You've made a way for me even through all those trips and scrapes that mark me.
I am determined to fight through.
Even when my limits stretch and I feel myself break.
I will do it.
Brace myself.
I'm in for the long ride.
Colors melting together, blending.
Shut eyes tightly. Squeezed.
Blocking all the noise, the faces, throwing opinions when they don't even know me.
Are you even listening?
I'd rather keep my mouth closed than risk another misunderstanding face.
Maybe I keep my mouth shut a little too much.
Even throwing up a hand at the ones I shouldn't.
Comes down to this a lot.
Haven't seemed to catch this one completely yet.
Regrets.
Foreign places looming over my head.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.
I can do this even if I haven't before.
I'll take the words my shepherd spoke.
I will be blessed.
I will be deemed a success.
My life may not look like your's or their's but I know its looking the way it was meant for me.
I will live the pages He wrote for me.
Forgive me, I'm not perfect but I know You've made a way for me even through all those trips and scrapes that mark me.
I am determined to fight through.
Even when my limits stretch and I feel myself break.
I will do it.
Brace myself.
I'm in for the long ride.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
"Begin"
There is this ache within me thats longing to do something.
Puzzling part is... I have no clue what that is.
I want to be important.
I want my presence felt not just known.
I want to be the thought in ones head that can't be run away from.
I feel like there is something creeping in me.
Wanting to emerge into existence.
I could shake with the anticipation.
With the urge to be something.
The jolt I can literally feel pulsing through my veins is unnerving.
I am not kidding.
I feel the jolt.
What is this?
This "thing" that sends my heart rate quickly up and the shortness of air in my lungs.
I want to start.
To be.
To see.
To do.
To run and run until the smoke trailing behind me is painting a vibrantly colorful picture of something beautiful and something I could not form with my own human hands and my own naturalness.
I want to talk in such a way that it build shapes within the atmosphere around you and I.
In my mind I can see the boundlessness and the limitless potential.
I see a world of possibility and these things I wish to create but have absolutely no clue how to begin.
I do not even know how to learn how to begin it.
I just know I want to push the big green button for it to start and manifest into tangibility.
I'm starting to think that anyone could look at me, hear everything I am thinking and feeling, even read these quite rawly honest ramblings and think that I am crazy.
Maybe I think myself crazy in ways.
But mind you this, I am not crazy.
The only way I can begin to explain it is this: I am learning to dream on a plane I've never before been in.
Its as though I am in a new place, with new potential; a fresh canvas with any tool I could possibly want or need, I just have to pick them up.
Only this: I have to figure out HOW to "pick up" these "tools."
I have to learn how to be equipped to use them.
This I know to be the task at hand.
I am only searching how to start, begin.
How do I ask?!
How do I get to the place of readiness?!
This is causing the nerve and the frustration I am so heavily feeling.
I. Must. Begin.
I just have to learn how.
Who knew "beginning" was an art form to acquire.
And this "beginning" is an art I have never before beheld.
Puzzling part is... I have no clue what that is.
I want to be important.
I want my presence felt not just known.
I want to be the thought in ones head that can't be run away from.
I feel like there is something creeping in me.
Wanting to emerge into existence.
I could shake with the anticipation.
With the urge to be something.
The jolt I can literally feel pulsing through my veins is unnerving.
I am not kidding.
I feel the jolt.
What is this?
This "thing" that sends my heart rate quickly up and the shortness of air in my lungs.
I want to start.
To be.
To see.
To do.
To run and run until the smoke trailing behind me is painting a vibrantly colorful picture of something beautiful and something I could not form with my own human hands and my own naturalness.
I want to talk in such a way that it build shapes within the atmosphere around you and I.
In my mind I can see the boundlessness and the limitless potential.
I see a world of possibility and these things I wish to create but have absolutely no clue how to begin.
I do not even know how to learn how to begin it.
I just know I want to push the big green button for it to start and manifest into tangibility.
I'm starting to think that anyone could look at me, hear everything I am thinking and feeling, even read these quite rawly honest ramblings and think that I am crazy.
Maybe I think myself crazy in ways.
But mind you this, I am not crazy.
The only way I can begin to explain it is this: I am learning to dream on a plane I've never before been in.
Its as though I am in a new place, with new potential; a fresh canvas with any tool I could possibly want or need, I just have to pick them up.
Only this: I have to figure out HOW to "pick up" these "tools."
I have to learn how to be equipped to use them.
This I know to be the task at hand.
I am only searching how to start, begin.
How do I ask?!
How do I get to the place of readiness?!
This is causing the nerve and the frustration I am so heavily feeling.
I. Must. Begin.
I just have to learn how.
Who knew "beginning" was an art form to acquire.
And this "beginning" is an art I have never before beheld.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Proved Right...
The end of Matthew 11:19 (NIV) says, "But wisdom is proved right by her actions."
My thoughts begin to wander to the different aspects of a person having wisdom.
One can have wisdom in their head, their mind.
They can know right from wrong.
They can know what to do and what not to do.
But the knowledge of wisdom amounts to nothing if it is not displayed rightly in our actions.
Our actions are of course controlled by our will.
Our will is controlled by either our flesh or our spirit.
A way that we put our spirit in control is not just knowledge but in understanding - a deepness and a fullness.
Understanding wisdom.
Why do we or shall we be wise?
If maybe we knew the heart of a matter, we may be more inclined to obey it.
To live by it.
The heart of a matter.
Our heart.
The very center of who we are.
It is deceitful but it is tamable.
Maybe "tame" is a word that makes you think of fear or control.
But me, I see it as, 'I will because I love.'
I want my heart to be tamed by the understanding of the love God has for me, and out of that love, He directs me in a way that is wise, holy, and in turn, loving.
If still the connection is fear, may it be in a way of honor.
I am tamed because I honor who God is to me and what He has done for me.
In all He has given me, I could never give that amount back to Him.
Out of my reverence, I give what I can. Myself. My person. My love. I give honor.
If still the connection is control, may it be the giving up of my life to let God whom is more able than me to control the rudder and the direction of my life.
And my heart controls my life.
"Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Proverbs 4:23
Of whom controls my heart will in turn control my actions.
May my actions prove His wisdom so wrought within my soul.
I could give, and give, and give, yet it'd still amount to nothing at all.
In comparison to what has been given me.
In that my gratitude springs.
When the world should look at me, may I prove Christ right who is living in me.
To leave unmarred the name I carry written upon my heart and every fiber of my being.
My thoughts begin to wander to the different aspects of a person having wisdom.
One can have wisdom in their head, their mind.
They can know right from wrong.
They can know what to do and what not to do.
But the knowledge of wisdom amounts to nothing if it is not displayed rightly in our actions.
Our actions are of course controlled by our will.
Our will is controlled by either our flesh or our spirit.
A way that we put our spirit in control is not just knowledge but in understanding - a deepness and a fullness.
Understanding wisdom.
Why do we or shall we be wise?
If maybe we knew the heart of a matter, we may be more inclined to obey it.
To live by it.
The heart of a matter.
Our heart.
The very center of who we are.
It is deceitful but it is tamable.
Maybe "tame" is a word that makes you think of fear or control.
But me, I see it as, 'I will because I love.'
I want my heart to be tamed by the understanding of the love God has for me, and out of that love, He directs me in a way that is wise, holy, and in turn, loving.
If still the connection is fear, may it be in a way of honor.
I am tamed because I honor who God is to me and what He has done for me.
In all He has given me, I could never give that amount back to Him.
Out of my reverence, I give what I can. Myself. My person. My love. I give honor.
If still the connection is control, may it be the giving up of my life to let God whom is more able than me to control the rudder and the direction of my life.
And my heart controls my life.
"Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Proverbs 4:23
Of whom controls my heart will in turn control my actions.
May my actions prove His wisdom so wrought within my soul.
I could give, and give, and give, yet it'd still amount to nothing at all.
In comparison to what has been given me.
In that my gratitude springs.
When the world should look at me, may I prove Christ right who is living in me.
To leave unmarred the name I carry written upon my heart and every fiber of my being.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Told Me So...
Desperately want to forget your face.
Im haunted by you in my dreams.
Come to the realization that I am doing it all wrong.
Im trying to fill the empty space that spells your name with the names of other things.
But like the wrong puzzle piece, it will not fill.
Like trying to push a square into a circled hole.
It looks like the photo drawn by a toddler - the blur of colors outside the lines.
My mind echoes a constant "I told you so."
I can't seem to mutter the words aloud to anyone worth telling.
An attempt to bring the words to my lips releases a choke of pain - my ribs tightening, threatening to take the air from my lungs.
A pang of fear resides.
I refuse to let you be the death of me.
Mostly, I am angry.
You've dared to pretend that I do not exist.
Do you think of me?
This I may never know.
Could I have done something different?
Was I wrong?
Were you?...
Im haunted by you in my dreams.
Come to the realization that I am doing it all wrong.
Im trying to fill the empty space that spells your name with the names of other things.
But like the wrong puzzle piece, it will not fill.
Like trying to push a square into a circled hole.
It looks like the photo drawn by a toddler - the blur of colors outside the lines.
My mind echoes a constant "I told you so."
I can't seem to mutter the words aloud to anyone worth telling.
An attempt to bring the words to my lips releases a choke of pain - my ribs tightening, threatening to take the air from my lungs.
A pang of fear resides.
I refuse to let you be the death of me.
Mostly, I am angry.
You've dared to pretend that I do not exist.
Do you think of me?
This I may never know.
Could I have done something different?
Was I wrong?
Were you?...
Friday, June 29, 2012
Weave of a Web
One word, one look, or perhaps the one word you never said or the thing you never did.
The wheels begin to turn, rotate, twist.
The thoughts begin to weave this web, turning into a picture that may or may not be any truth at all.
My head can paint a picture more elaborate than any painter could create.
This thing that twirls within me in one way, a gift.
I could write a million words and make you see a thousand worlds.
Maybe even, inspire a generation.
On the other hand, a weakness.
Because I could over analyze anything someone says or does.
I find myself getting lost in the dreams.
My imagination sailing me away to what if's and somedays.
Into adventures and places I've never seen before, even places that are only real when I close my eyes.
And when reality snaps, I stand at the edge fearing to jump.
So much unknown - possibility for failure or success even my dreams couldn't grasp.
I wonder what is better sometimes; the life I live when my eyes are closed or the one I live when my eyes are open.
I want to be the person who makes my dreams, my realities.
Eyes wide open, life worth living.
The wheels begin to turn, rotate, twist.
The thoughts begin to weave this web, turning into a picture that may or may not be any truth at all.
My head can paint a picture more elaborate than any painter could create.
This thing that twirls within me in one way, a gift.
I could write a million words and make you see a thousand worlds.
Maybe even, inspire a generation.
On the other hand, a weakness.
Because I could over analyze anything someone says or does.
I find myself getting lost in the dreams.
My imagination sailing me away to what if's and somedays.
Into adventures and places I've never seen before, even places that are only real when I close my eyes.
And when reality snaps, I stand at the edge fearing to jump.
So much unknown - possibility for failure or success even my dreams couldn't grasp.
I wonder what is better sometimes; the life I live when my eyes are closed or the one I live when my eyes are open.
I want to be the person who makes my dreams, my realities.
Eyes wide open, life worth living.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I Miss You... [[Bres]]
I miss you more than I want to.
I want to hate you. I want to forget you.
But the truth is...
Im still in love with you.
Friday, March 23, 2012
My Completeness...
Some things will never be understood.
Some can never really be explained.
At least... not by me.
I have been living in Brazil for just over a month now.
And so far, what I thought would be one thing, has turned out to be another.
This is without question, one of the harder journeys I have had to face.
It would very easily be listed with some others that immediately come to my mind.
I am living my life and doing things that many will never do.
I am privileged and called by God.
It is quite humbling for me.
Sometimes God calls us into season and situations that will be to us, a difficulty, but will in turn, be giving glory to Him.
Two and a half weeks left here.
I am believing that this trip will turn a corner.
That the past month of hardship will be the platform from which I will step into something supernatural.
In the future I may look at this trip with fondness.
Not forgetting the struggle I had faced but remembering it as a memoriam where God worked miracles.
Where He worked in the lives of others through me even when I had not seen it at the first glance of my eye.
Where He worked something in me that built me and prepared me for other things.
For those that read this who have heard firsthand my struggles here, remember not to think I took in vain the call of God.
For because of that call, even when I wanted to run home before my time was spent, I stayed.
It was a time where I pushed through my own emotions, walked in obedience, walked in faith, and trusted God.
From here I will only go on to bigger and brighter things.
Maybe not in the same way as I have now.
But in all the ways God can work with His hand.
Matthew Barnett said, "Your ministry is in your misery."
Maybe through past experience.
Maybe a childhood you had no control over.
Maybe just a season of testing with God.
And in this I have seen it proven true.
Through all my seasons; before my heart was after the Lord and after, through the things I could control and the things I couldn't.
All that I have walked through, has given me the experience, the maturity, the wisdom, and the opportunity to touch another life for the purpose of Christ.
Whether in those moments I was conscious or not of the change I brought.
Not only are the words I speak a testimony of my Jesus; my Savior.
But the life I LIVE is a testimony that words are not needed for.
To be able to influence like this or have the opportunities I have, the ones I never planned for, are the grace of God.
For He does far ABOVE all I can THINK or IMAGINE.
Above all my DREAMS or my HOPES.
Above all my DESIRES.
And then, in a moment of adoration and worship, in a moment of awe of my Jesus, I realize something.
His desires and His dreams, His thoughts and His hopes for me are so. much. better.
Then, all at once, a moment of inspiration.
A moment where God breathes.
I am enraptured.
He stirs inside of me.
I am one with my God.
And HIS dreams become MY dreams.
I find something.
I find my IDENTITY,
The one i was CREATED FOR.
I find the PURPOSE I had been searching for,
My Jesus is my completeness.
Some can never really be explained.
At least... not by me.
I have been living in Brazil for just over a month now.
And so far, what I thought would be one thing, has turned out to be another.
This is without question, one of the harder journeys I have had to face.
It would very easily be listed with some others that immediately come to my mind.
I am living my life and doing things that many will never do.
I am privileged and called by God.
It is quite humbling for me.
Sometimes God calls us into season and situations that will be to us, a difficulty, but will in turn, be giving glory to Him.
Two and a half weeks left here.
I am believing that this trip will turn a corner.
That the past month of hardship will be the platform from which I will step into something supernatural.
In the future I may look at this trip with fondness.
Not forgetting the struggle I had faced but remembering it as a memoriam where God worked miracles.
Where He worked in the lives of others through me even when I had not seen it at the first glance of my eye.
Where He worked something in me that built me and prepared me for other things.
For those that read this who have heard firsthand my struggles here, remember not to think I took in vain the call of God.
For because of that call, even when I wanted to run home before my time was spent, I stayed.
It was a time where I pushed through my own emotions, walked in obedience, walked in faith, and trusted God.
From here I will only go on to bigger and brighter things.
Maybe not in the same way as I have now.
But in all the ways God can work with His hand.
Matthew Barnett said, "Your ministry is in your misery."
Maybe through past experience.
Maybe a childhood you had no control over.
Maybe just a season of testing with God.
And in this I have seen it proven true.
Through all my seasons; before my heart was after the Lord and after, through the things I could control and the things I couldn't.
All that I have walked through, has given me the experience, the maturity, the wisdom, and the opportunity to touch another life for the purpose of Christ.
Whether in those moments I was conscious or not of the change I brought.
Not only are the words I speak a testimony of my Jesus; my Savior.
But the life I LIVE is a testimony that words are not needed for.
To be able to influence like this or have the opportunities I have, the ones I never planned for, are the grace of God.
For He does far ABOVE all I can THINK or IMAGINE.
Above all my DREAMS or my HOPES.
Above all my DESIRES.
And then, in a moment of adoration and worship, in a moment of awe of my Jesus, I realize something.
His desires and His dreams, His thoughts and His hopes for me are so. much. better.
Then, all at once, a moment of inspiration.
A moment where God breathes.
I am enraptured.
He stirs inside of me.
I am one with my God.
And HIS dreams become MY dreams.
I find something.
I find my IDENTITY,
The one i was CREATED FOR.
I find the PURPOSE I had been searching for,
My Jesus is my completeness.
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