Oh, so Fine...

We all have those special friends.
You know, the ones that come into your life at the most unseemingly of times yet… the fingerprints of God show up all over them when put under that blacklight.
And you know, you know He was up to something up there.
Even now, I can hear His little fatherly giggle and see His toothy grin.
Just another undeserving gift placed at your toes.

I have quite a good handful of those in my quiver.
And oh, how much I love them.
And tonight? Tonight I added another beautifully unique, dangerously gifted quiver friend to my batch.

Marissa Fine.

What a fitting name - because she sure is a fine one.

I am a firm believer in not having just one best friend.
I believe in my circle.
The inner circle and the gradually outstretching ones.

Everyone needs an inner circle.
Everyone needs to know that they are seen for more than just what they can do for you.
They need to know they are seen for being remarkably special yet wonderfully unique and all the more, completely loved and chosen.

Marissa Fine, you are all of those things.
You are a woman who has so much gently packed within your frame just waiting to be unsheathed.
And oh, can I see those packages.
I can see a glimpse of who you are and who you will become.
And day by day, one by one, God is undoing your ribbons.
Showing you off for all the world to see and shooing you off to go and change some things.
To go and touch some people with your story of strength.
You are strong.
Mild and meek but a powerful punch.
There is power in your sweetness.
There is glory in your dreams.
And there is influence in your smile.

You are one loved gal.
So don't be fearful
Don't be anxious.
Step forward, sword swinging.
Be the you who was meant to fly.

xo

Hello you...

Hello you.

It is ok.

It is ok to be your own sort of amazing.

You are your own original.
You don't need to take over the world in one swift turnover.

Master your own world.
You are good enough for your world.

Be brave to face your own day.
Everyone else can be brave for theirs.

You are needed.
You are needed in your own way for being you and no one else can be that.
No one else can be you.

You need yourself.
You need to believe that all wrapped up in the core of your being
is something the world needs.
Your persons need you.

And all of those things in your core - they are good.
Your emotions.
Your creativity.
Your heart.
Your words.
Your ears.
Your songs.
Your touch.
They are all so good!

You don't need to be what everyone wants you to be.
You can just be who you were made to be
and live everyday in fullness because you were meant to.
It is the only you worth being.

Step into the you you were made to be
and don't for a second be ashamed of it.
Don't remember all the bad things people said about you.
Don't remember all the times you felt alone and useless.
Smile at who you are and thank those who appreciate the depth of your you-ness.

Pull those you love a little closer.

And secure yourself within that love in your heart that God is giving.

And smile because He's smiling, too.

All I want to do, right now, is watch Fear the Walking Dead Episode 2. And I can't.

Is that too much to ask?

The silence kills me.

I want to tune it out with one freaking show.

ANYTHING.

I don't know what to do.

I go back and forth of feeling ok then feeling really… not. ok.

It is scary to look ahead of you and see nothing.

Just an open void.

Grasping with open hands for something and feeling nothing.

Something has to give.

Something has to show up for me to grab on to.

Five months. 

Five months of fighting and falling and fighting some more and falling again.

I can't talk about it.

I don't want to.

And when I can - it is random and rare. And I feel everything and I don't want to feel it.

Every moment is mixed with pain and fear, or passion and excitement, then unease and unrest.

I feel it all.

What is this going to look like?

What will it be?

How do I get there?

I just wish I KNEW SOMETHING.

I'm not naive.

I am not stupid or unaware.

I am not useless.

I am not not trying.

I wish people understood that!

I'm alone and it's quiet.

I hate it but I almost need it.

Maybe I don't know what I need.

Everyone is doing their thing and I am here.

Here, not knowing what my "thing" is.

I thought I knew.

I knew where I wanted it to be eventually.

But now, right now, it is just empty and quiet.

God, do I need something.

I need help.

I need something to open.

Something to give.

Something to grab hold of.

Oh, please, help me, God.

I have no idea what to do. 

What do I do now? Right now?