Raw...

Birthdays.

They are meant to be a time of excitement and celebration.
Another year lived and onto another to embrace and live evermore.

My birthday is on friday…

Normally, this would excite me.
I would eagerly count down the days.
But for some reason, this year, I do not.
I am frankly petrified.
I am not sure why this one seems to be so looming…

I wonder if it is really worth celebrating.
Will anyone?
Do they want to?
Do I?

I feel uncomfortable that it is even coming.
I feel uncomfortable of the fact that anyone might feel obligated to acknowledge it.

It is a strange thing to be so concerned about, isn't it?


I feel like I am in this season of vulnerability.
I am exposed.

I feel the Holy Spirit ticking away.
I feel like I am torn open for all to see.
But the thing is, I am not so torn open at all.
I FEEL that way but I actually haven't been so vulnerable or open with any persons at all as of late.
Maybe it is just God and I.
Maybe He is trying to dig His way in and I feel like everyone can see it.

Open, raw honesty is something I both crave and dread.
I love the depth of it shared with special someones.
Yet, I am afraid of the rejection that could possibly attach itself to my raw self.

Maybe for now, I am afraid of my own raw.

Why fear?...

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I came to the realization that for far too long I have let the negativity of others, most who are not even in my life anymore, keep me from really being fully me.
I am tired of turning away and cowering in insecurity with things I use to be so confidently operational in.
Why am I snuffing out a gift because at some point in a life that no longer exists, someone told me I would never be able to break free of the chains that held me before Jesus broke them into nonexistent pieces?

It's easy isn't it?
To say you don't want to be afraid anymore.
It's a whole other thing to feel it - to live it.
But it should be easy to not live that way too, right?
I mean, Holy Spirit! HELLO!

We way too easily silence our spirits from our wills.
We way too easily give into the petrifying paralyzation of our seeming weaknesses.

I am reminded of that so much yet I struggle to break free from that crippling mindset.
God reminds me.
My strong, brave friends remind me.
I remind myself.

I love watching the people I live life with.
All of them so unique and so gifted in their own special way.
They have overcome so much.
They are beautiful and bold.
I believe in them and they believe in me.
It is just so hard to believe in ourselves.
Or even if we do, to keep moving forward and step up to the plate instead of running to retreat.
The most painful thing to my heart is watching the pain in theirs.
One of the best things is seeing them succeed in all the wonderfulness of who they are.

I wonder if they think the same thing when they are looking at me…

I am tired of keeping my mouth shut when I know I should speak.
I am tired of fearing what mistake I had to have made when others are yanking on my insides to just do it and be me already.
I need to believe I am not always being a mistake all the time.
I want to be unafraid to really dream.
I want to be unafraid to stop hiding.
I want to be able to tell all, bare all. Be vulnerable. Be free.
Open up to others like I long for them to do with me.
I want to be free…
I want them to be free…

Loud and Quiet...

There is something strange about the silence.
When you feel a sense of loneliness whilst surrounded by a crowd of people.
You feel that distance echo in between you, lost in your own head - your thoughts loud.
So loud yet so… quiet.

What will it be this year?
What does this quietness mean?
It is like the eye of a storm.
Wondering, waiting, for what comes next.

All around me life is moving.
People moving forward.
New and exciting things springing up, one after another.
But for me… I see nothing.
I only feel the anticipation.
When is it my turn?

There are the slight little moments where I think… maybe, just maybe this is it!
Oh. No. Not yet. False alarm.

I am ready to be done with these damn false alarms!

What do I have to do?
Is there even anything?
I don't know…

I will try to fill this ever so loud yet so, so quiet space.

Content.
Content is a choice.
Content is a choice even when you really don't want it.

I will take the quiet.
I will take lonely.
I will take the false alarms.
Eventually, it will all have to end, right?
It will end.