"Begin"

There is this ache within me thats longing to do something.
Puzzling part is... I have no clue what that is.

I want to be important.
I want my presence felt not just known.

I want to be the thought in ones head that can't be run away from.

I feel like there is something creeping in me.
Wanting to emerge into existence.

I could shake with the anticipation.
With the urge to be something.

The jolt I can literally feel pulsing through my veins is unnerving.
I am not kidding.
I feel the jolt.

What is this?
This "thing" that sends my heart rate quickly up and the shortness of air in my lungs.

I want to start.
To be.
To see.
To do.
To run and run until the smoke trailing behind me is painting a vibrantly colorful picture of something beautiful and something I could not form with my own human hands and my own naturalness.

I want to talk in such a way that it build shapes within the atmosphere around you and I.

In my mind I can see the boundlessness and the limitless potential.
I see a world of possibility and these things I wish to create but have absolutely no clue how to begin.
I do not even know how to learn how to begin it.
I just know I want to push the big green button for it to start and manifest into tangibility.

I'm starting to think that anyone could look at me, hear everything I am thinking and feeling, even read these quite rawly honest ramblings and think that I am crazy.
Maybe I think myself crazy in ways.
But mind you this, I am not crazy.
The only way I can begin to explain it is this: I am learning to dream on a plane I've never before been in.
Its as though I am in a new place, with new potential; a fresh canvas with any tool I could possibly want or need, I just have to pick them up.
Only this: I have to figure out HOW to "pick up" these "tools."
I have to learn how to be equipped to use them.
This I know to be the task at hand.
I am only searching how to start, begin.

How do I ask?!
How do I get to the place of readiness?!

This is causing the nerve and the frustration I am so heavily feeling.

I. Must. Begin.
I just have to learn how.

Who knew "beginning" was an art form to acquire.
And this "beginning" is an art I have never before beheld.

Proved Right...

The end of Matthew 11:19 (NIV) says, "But wisdom is proved right by her actions."

My thoughts begin to wander to the different aspects of a person having wisdom.

One can have wisdom in their head, their mind.
They can know right from wrong.
They can know what to do and what not to do.
But the knowledge of wisdom amounts to nothing if it is not displayed rightly in our actions.
Our actions are of course controlled by our will.
Our will is controlled by either our flesh or our spirit.
A way that we put our spirit in control is not just knowledge but in understanding - a deepness and a fullness.

Understanding wisdom.

Why do we or shall we be wise?

If maybe we knew the heart of a matter, we may be more inclined to obey it.
To live by it.

The heart of a matter.

Our heart.
The very center of who we are.
It is deceitful but it is tamable.
Maybe "tame" is a word that makes you think of fear or control.
But me, I see it as, 'I will because I love.'
I want my heart to be tamed by the understanding of the love God has for me, and out of that love, He directs me in a way that is wise, holy, and in turn, loving.

If still the connection is fear, may it be in a way of honor.
I am tamed because I honor who God is to me and what He has done for me.
In all He has given me, I could never give that amount back to Him.
Out of my reverence, I give what I can. Myself. My person. My love. I give honor.

If still the connection is control, may it be the giving up of my life to let God whom is more able than me to control the rudder and the direction of my life.
And my heart controls my life.

"Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Of whom controls my heart will in turn control my actions.
May my actions prove His wisdom so wrought within my soul.

I could give, and give, and give, yet it'd still amount to nothing at all.
In comparison to what has been given me.
In that my gratitude springs.

When the world should look at me, may I prove Christ right who is living in me.
To leave unmarred the name I carry written upon my heart and every fiber of my being.

Told Me So...

Desperately want to forget your face.
Im haunted by you in my dreams.
Come to the realization that I am doing it all wrong.
Im trying to fill the empty space that spells your name with the names of other things.
But like the wrong puzzle piece, it will not fill.
Like trying to push a square into a circled hole.
It looks like the photo drawn by a toddler - the blur of colors outside the lines.

My mind echoes a constant "I told you so."
I can't seem to mutter the words aloud to anyone worth telling.
An attempt to bring the words to my lips releases a choke of pain - my ribs tightening, threatening to take the air from my lungs.

A pang of fear resides.
I refuse to let you be the death of me.
Mostly, I am angry.
You've dared to pretend that I do not exist.
Do you think of me?
This I may never know.

Could I have done something different?
Was I wrong?
Were you?...