How do you learn something you've never been able to face the right way?

I know I have to dig in my heels.

I know I have to face myself - raw and honest.

How am I the scariest person I know?

How do I share myself like this with others?

How do I show the one thing I feel the need to hide?

This is about as real as I've ever had to get with God.

It has been a long time.

But I am even more afraid of sabotaging the ones I love most because of myself.

Face the music?

Shit just got real and I'm not ready...

It Can Be Tough...

It's tough sometimes.
Today, I felt like a stick in the mud amongst a field of flowers.
Everyone around me seems to be special.
They are creative, successful, and have so much ability.
And here I sit feeling somewhat… ordinary.

My endeavors and talents don't seem all that great.
My pursuits seem little and regular and my dreams at times feel unattainable or not even worth trying.
I can't think of anything "great" I do and there is nothing to look at that seems very great either.

Does it matter what people say to me? What they think?
Sometimes I get the vibe I am not much to them at all.
Much as in special, not in how much they love me.

I just want all of my efforts to pay off.
I want them to look at me someday and say, "Huh… She did it."
I want the people that never believed in me to be in awe of what God did.

Somedays… It is tough to not be there yet.
To keep on going even when others are shaking their heads at me.

I imagine falling in love to be like a folk song...

I imagine falling in love to be like an indie folk song.
A beautiful start with a steady build.
Our love will be like poetry that can only be sung in a song.
It will be uniquely our own - the beat, the rhythm, and the subtle harmonies that create a special melody.

Sure, I have had my moment in the past.
But looking back, there seem to be more obstacles than gentle tunes to look forward to singing.
I want the sounds of a harp, not the fight of making something happen.

Never settle on momentary whims or fits of passion.
I think when we know, we really know.
The notes will play with ease and the hum will be our safe place.
You know, that hum we all sing to ourselves when no one is really listening.
That will be the place we meet.

I imagine falling in love, in the kind of love that will last forever, to be like those moments with your best friend where you just look at each other and you cannot stop laughing.
Like the moments or pure joy and delight in life where you're happy to be living.

I imagine falling in love to be like reading your favorite book, wrapped up in every word and every new page that turns.
It will be like those moments you have to look forward to where you just stop and get lost in the adventure.

I imagine falling in love as the greatest adventure you'll ever find yourself exploring.

Well, this was unexpected…

It happened. SO unexpectedly.
I have submitted my application to become a C3 Intern in just 3 short months.
The 12 months of that program is going to blow my mind - I can feel it.
I never thought God would ask me to do this - to join another program like this.
But it's not just another program.
For me, this is a pivotal, life changing, future altering decision.
This is so connected to my calling and the crazy ways God has transformed and flipped my life upside down in the past year.

I am so expectant and excited.
I am also nervous and feel like because I don't know what any outcome will be, a bit anxious.
God, help me to do the best I have ever done, learn more than I ever have, and expand myself more than ever.
I want to be a crazy blessing and operate in a capacity I wasn't sure I could ever be at.

This is a time for healing and redemption.
This is a time to prove to myself that with God, I am capable.
This is a time to prove to me that all the lies spoken over me were never really true.

My head is spinning.
I cannot even compartmentalize my brain well enough to eloquently write a decent blog post.
More to come soon and hopefully in a better fashion.
I just could not contain myself...

Thinking back...

Just stumbled upon an acoustic version of an old worship song.
Reminded me of my high school/early intern days.
I miss those times.
The times with a few close friends, an acoustic guitar, genuine heart-felt prayer & worship, and great fellowship.
I miss the small moments with the presence of Jesus.
I miss the sharing of tender hearts as His presence lingered, light strum still going…
Then when those close friends would pray for each other, letting their gifts work naturally.
Those times are some of the most edifying.
These are the memories I still cherish so much.

Tomorrow night (technically tonight) I am attending my first Freedom Conference at the place I now call home with the best people I could ever imagine.
Although I had to miss tonight's leadership session, which is very disappointing, I am excited for the service coming.
I am ready for the feeling in my spirit I haven't felt in a long time.
I am ready to break free from this last month that has challenged me so intensely.
I am ready to let things go and heal… again.
I feel like God is never finished.

Right now, in this moment, after a very emotional and hard day, I am thankful.
I feel all the angst and anxiety leaving me.
I am feeling the peace of God as "None but Jesus" plays…
I am thinking where God has taken me over the years.
I am thinking of this past season of my life and how thankful I am to be where I am now.
I am thankful to call C3 home.
I am thankful of the people I get to call family.
I am thankful for my deep spirited friends I have had in my life for a while now and the newer ones I have been so blessed to have in my life.
I am thinking of the future God has for me and every one of my friends.
Thankful does not even begin to express what I feel.
How I need these moments of reflection...

Resistance...

It has been a very hard month.
Full of challenges and resistance.
Two trips to urgent care, two car accidents, one ambulance ride, unexplainable physical pain, and too many tears to count.
There has also been a lot of God speaking and working.
Clearly this year is about to be beyond amazing.
Maybe with a few obstacles along the way but amazing nonetheless.

Through the pains and challenges I have never felt more loved.
The most recent accident that landed me in the ambulance and in the ER for hours, tubes everywhere, bruises, needles, neck brace, running mascara, three cat scans, wrist x-rays, and lots of meds.
Besides my mom and brother, four of some of my greatest friends showed up to wait by my side for hours - Hannah, Jamie, Matt, and Laurén.
They have all now seen me at my worst.
I cannot explain how hard it was looking up at them, unable to move my head much, high on "happy medicine", confused, in pain, and seeing the immense love, concern, and teary eyes staring back at me.
That night Hannah's phone blew up with concerned friends praying for my life and well-being and the next day my phone did not stop going off for 8 hours straight.

Even though chaos erupts around me, I will continue to thank and trust God.
I will stand on His word and His promises.
I will believe that He turns around everything for good for those who love Him.
I am believing that I will receive enough money from this accident to pay for a new car. (And maybe even that trip to New York in March I am praying for a miracle to happen for.)
I am believing that this year, every vision God has given me and more will come to pass.
Though I am afflicted, I will not be driven to despair.
Though pressures come at me from every side, I will not be crushed.

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
 We are perplexed but not driven to despair.
 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
 We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed."
- 2 Corinthians 4:8-9