Sometimes I wonder if it's some kind of cruel joke.
To have the one thing you love to be just out of grasp.
What is it that God is really doing or saying?
And all I can do is give in and let it happen.
I don't understand.
But I would never fight it.


I have had a lot of time to think.
A lot of things to look back on.
Seeing all the little things I never noticed before that brought me here.
Life has a funny way of working out.
I'm not mad about mine.
It's been messy but the best things seem to make it worth it.


I was thinking the other day about moments with God.
I was remembering being young, experiencing things with this freshness in my lungs, sitting next to the people that first made me appreciate friendship, and we would just talk about God.
We would wake up early to sip coffee and read together.
7am in the corner chairs fascinated by this intimacy with Jesus thing.
Intentional looked different back then.
A "God moment" was so separated from the rest of life.
Sometimes I sit and speak with God wondering if my relationship has become more disappointing to Him over the years.
I don't do the things the way I use to.
But maybe, as you grow older, the line between a "God moment" and just a "life moment" starts to blur.
Every moment becomes filled with Him.
The conversations go on like any normal day.
We use to have to try and talk to Him but now we are just with Him and He with us.
I don't feel that separation anymore.

I am in no way perfect.
Unless perfectly unkempt is the same type of perfection.
I feel challenged more than I ever feel comfortable.
As far as I have come, I only yearn to go further still.


These past months have been draining.
Sucking the very life from me.
Confusing me to every degree.
Yet, in this moment, in the past couple weeks, I have felt more myself than I have ever been.
I am discovering the reality of me.
And, I do not know if its more thrilling or petrifying, but I know there is so much more to unearth within me.
I have those days where I hate myself.
But when I sit and take a breath; when I am surrounded by cliffs, the ocean, and that salty breeze - I love it. I love myself. I love my life. I love every piece that has made this mine.

The Game Worth Losing

Our generation has an expectation placed on us from the generation before.
Or maybe its from living in a time of dreams and entrepreneurship.
An expectation that we have to "be something" within a certain timeframe.
And when we fail to meet these expectations within that certain period of time, we struggle with our identity.
We think that we will always be stuck within the confines of our generational curses, of never living our dreams, or of never amounting to anything.

The biggest ploy of the enemy of our time is that of comparison.
We give up before we have even experienced the totality of growing up and living.
Our self-worth begins to look like just getting by instead of blazing a new trail for our future and the generations to come from within us.

This comparison game - this withdrawal too early in the game - beats us down into discouragement and defeat.
Beats us bloody until we choke on it.
Then we hit those moments.
Those moments where we ask ourselves, "Do I sit in this murky puddle of my blood, broken dreams, shattered spirit, and every memory of how I once again failed to meet this standard. This standard that I'm not sure where it came from in the first place? Or do I somehow keep fighting, daring to believe just one more time that maybe, someday, I might actually like the person staring back at me?"

We were made to be a winner... even though most often we don't even feel like one.

We enter these games
and every fiber of our being says WIN
but maybe the game of comparison is one match worth LOSING.
Because winning means it proved us right the whole time but losing says, "I don't want to play this silly game any longer."

Trying to be me...

"You know me."
"I try to."

I don't know how to be known in the present.

My real is not raw.
It is the seared up pieces of partial realness.
Blood mopped up to cover the messiness that is me.
Yet it seems that I have only made it worse by my sloppily laid bandages on wounds crying out for stitches.

I have shoved those I love most away by pretending.
Trying to be ok for my own self conscience.
I have failed you, I know.
I never spoke up because I was too ashamed to look you in the eye.
Now I never get your calls or the time to say I am sorry.

I am not me anymore.
I am a poor excuse for a washed up has been, could've been, maybe I never was in the first place then.

I want to be.
Be everything everyone hoped I would be.
Or the me I have always been afraid to be.

I have been around some blocks that are better left closed off.
Because they mar you and they scar you and even when you think you have, you never quite escape them.

Part of me that many see has given up.
But the fight inside that still exists I keep safely tucked behind closed doors.
Because if I can muster up just enough I just might make it out of this black hole I have fallen into.
But if I fail again no one ever has to know.
My fear is in my failure.

Do you get it some now?
It may not have been how you saw it but for me, this was reality.
I don't really want to be here.
I want to be back.
I want to be on the other side running.
But sometimes I feel trapped.
Sometimes I can only crawl.
But don't give up on me.
Behind these glazed over eyes is a lot of broken pieces.
I am still showing up so there is hope for me.
But just like he said, sometimes those words of hope are more painful than helpful.
I need to find me myself a little bit first.

I have spent many years trying to be this creature made up of all these expectations instead of being a human with my own worth and direction.
To not be afraid of being me and bringing substance to my being.
Doing what I love how I was made to do it.
Not being a quilted up version of all they love, trying to do it their way; trying to impress them so they would love me and I could hear that maybe just maybe someone could finally be proud of me.

I want you to know ME.
And for me to finally be me.

These are so many of the things I want to say but another day has gone by where words out loud can't escape me.

Oh, so Fine...

We all have those special friends.
You know, the ones that come into your life at the most unseemingly of times yet… the fingerprints of God show up all over them when put under that blacklight.
And you know, you know He was up to something up there.
Even now, I can hear His little fatherly giggle and see His toothy grin.
Just another undeserving gift placed at your toes.

I have quite a good handful of those in my quiver.
And oh, how much I love them.
And tonight? Tonight I added another beautifully unique, dangerously gifted quiver friend to my batch.

Marissa Fine.

What a fitting name - because she sure is a fine one.

I am a firm believer in not having just one best friend.
I believe in my circle.
The inner circle and the gradually outstretching ones.

Everyone needs an inner circle.
Everyone needs to know that they are seen for more than just what they can do for you.
They need to know they are seen for being remarkably special yet wonderfully unique and all the more, completely loved and chosen.

Marissa Fine, you are all of those things.
You are a woman who has so much gently packed within your frame just waiting to be unsheathed.
And oh, can I see those packages.
I can see a glimpse of who you are and who you will become.
And day by day, one by one, God is undoing your ribbons.
Showing you off for all the world to see and shooing you off to go and change some things.
To go and touch some people with your story of strength.
You are strong.
Mild and meek but a powerful punch.
There is power in your sweetness.
There is glory in your dreams.
And there is influence in your smile.

You are one loved gal.
So don't be fearful
Don't be anxious.
Step forward, sword swinging.
Be the you who was meant to fly.

xo

Hello you...

Hello you.

It is ok.

It is ok to be your own sort of amazing.

You are your own original.
You don't need to take over the world in one swift turnover.

Master your own world.
You are good enough for your world.

Be brave to face your own day.
Everyone else can be brave for theirs.

You are needed.
You are needed in your own way for being you and no one else can be that.
No one else can be you.

You need yourself.
You need to believe that all wrapped up in the core of your being
is something the world needs.
Your persons need you.

And all of those things in your core - they are good.
Your emotions.
Your creativity.
Your heart.
Your words.
Your ears.
Your songs.
Your touch.
They are all so good!

You don't need to be what everyone wants you to be.
You can just be who you were made to be
and live everyday in fullness because you were meant to.
It is the only you worth being.

Step into the you you were made to be
and don't for a second be ashamed of it.
Don't remember all the bad things people said about you.
Don't remember all the times you felt alone and useless.
Smile at who you are and thank those who appreciate the depth of your you-ness.

Pull those you love a little closer.

And secure yourself within that love in your heart that God is giving.

And smile because He's smiling, too.

All I want to do, right now, is watch Fear the Walking Dead Episode 2. And I can't.

Is that too much to ask?

The silence kills me.

I want to tune it out with one freaking show.

ANYTHING.

I don't know what to do.

I go back and forth of feeling ok then feeling really… not. ok.

It is scary to look ahead of you and see nothing.

Just an open void.

Grasping with open hands for something and feeling nothing.

Something has to give.

Something has to show up for me to grab on to.

Five months. 

Five months of fighting and falling and fighting some more and falling again.

I can't talk about it.

I don't want to.

And when I can - it is random and rare. And I feel everything and I don't want to feel it.

Every moment is mixed with pain and fear, or passion and excitement, then unease and unrest.

I feel it all.

What is this going to look like?

What will it be?

How do I get there?

I just wish I KNEW SOMETHING.

I'm not naive.

I am not stupid or unaware.

I am not useless.

I am not not trying.

I wish people understood that!

I'm alone and it's quiet.

I hate it but I almost need it.

Maybe I don't know what I need.

Everyone is doing their thing and I am here.

Here, not knowing what my "thing" is.

I thought I knew.

I knew where I wanted it to be eventually.

But now, right now, it is just empty and quiet.

God, do I need something.

I need help.

I need something to open.

Something to give.

Something to grab hold of.

Oh, please, help me, God.

I have no idea what to do. 

What do I do now? Right now?

I read in a book today that scripture that says how the wounds of a friend are faithful but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Those words cannot be any truer.
I think how I have that friend who will let me know when I may be talking about that cute guy just a little too much.
Or that friend who will tell me I really need to forgive that person who has hurt me, even after all of these years.
Or the one who will tell me she knows I'm not ok, no matter how much I say that I am.
How thankful I am for those who are faithful.
And oh, how much do I pray that they would call me faithful too.

I don't always feel like I am the best that I could be.
I sure give it a good try though.

It has been weird lately.
It has been a very lonely road.
It has been like being lost in the darkness of my own self.
I can't get out.
I don't want to be around people as much - not the masses at least.
Nobody can hear me.
Honestly, I don't want anyone to feel like they have to hear.
I want to get out on my own and prove to them all, prove to myself, that I am ok.

I am. I'm ok.

I have been asked what I want. What I need.
I don't know what I need!
I don't want to need!
How could I ask for something when I know I'm not the only one?
I don't want to just be another one.
How could I be so selfish as to need?
But I don't even know.
I don't know what it is.
I'm… lost.

I am checking out.
I am trying to get back in but it's hard.
I'm tired.
I'm depressed.
I'm ok...

This one is harder...

It gets harder.
It gets harder to say yes.
The fear starts setting in.
I actually feel afraid.
The ground beneath my feet feels so much less certain.
It feels unstable and invisible.

Where is the line between responsibility and faith?
Where is the assurance of "There is still hope for you," over "You're never gonna make it here."
At the moment there are not any more feelings of security for either choice.

Am I willing to pay this price?
Of course, yes.
My heart screams yes!
My will is just slightly cowering in the echoes of those screams.

Jesus, I stepped out of the boat before.
I was afraid but I did it.
I'm in the boat again, Jesus.
I'm in the boat and I am stepping out, I think I just need a hand getting out this time.
Just for a moment, let me feel You hold me.
You know I would follow you anywhere...

It is moments like these where you can't help but ask yourself if it will ever end.
Will I ever not feel this alone anymore?
Will this nausea ever cease from the pit of my stomach?
Will the dominoes ever stop falling? One bad thing after another.
It is hard to have all this heaviness pressing against my mind.
I try my best not to carry it and for the most part, I succeed.
I can shut down myself enough to not care.
Well, yeah, of course I care, but not everyone has to know or see that.
And they don't.

I need a vacation.
I need to get away from everything for just a little while.
Not because I am running but just to clear my head.
To have a little time to let loose and let everything go.
Maybe getting away some will help cure the loneliness.
The kind of loneliness where your insides are aching and your head is spinning but you still play the game like everything is just fine.
It is. Just fine.
It is also just a tiring "just fine".
I just need to not be around so much of it.
I need time. Real time.
With myself.
With people I really care about who ease the tension some.
With God.
With God in a place out of the norm.

And when I can't quite get away just yet and when the nights get just a little too loud, here I am.
I end up here.

"I was a hot mess in my Sunday best…"

At any given moment, life hits.
Life hits and it hurts.
It hurts so bad you feel alone.
You feel lost.
You feel pain you can't describe.
You don't know how to process it.
You don't know what to think or do.
You don't know whether to talk about it or not.
You don't know how to talk about it and you don't know if you really want to.
I am trying my best to put on the brave face.
I am trying hard grit my teeth and bear the blow.
But damn, I sure do feel alone.
I feel an ache in my chest.
I feel a little torn from my purpose.
Frankly, I just really feel like shit.

Raw...

Birthdays.

They are meant to be a time of excitement and celebration.
Another year lived and onto another to embrace and live evermore.

My birthday is on friday…

Normally, this would excite me.
I would eagerly count down the days.
But for some reason, this year, I do not.
I am frankly petrified.
I am not sure why this one seems to be so looming…

I wonder if it is really worth celebrating.
Will anyone?
Do they want to?
Do I?

I feel uncomfortable that it is even coming.
I feel uncomfortable of the fact that anyone might feel obligated to acknowledge it.

It is a strange thing to be so concerned about, isn't it?


I feel like I am in this season of vulnerability.
I am exposed.

I feel the Holy Spirit ticking away.
I feel like I am torn open for all to see.
But the thing is, I am not so torn open at all.
I FEEL that way but I actually haven't been so vulnerable or open with any persons at all as of late.
Maybe it is just God and I.
Maybe He is trying to dig His way in and I feel like everyone can see it.

Open, raw honesty is something I both crave and dread.
I love the depth of it shared with special someones.
Yet, I am afraid of the rejection that could possibly attach itself to my raw self.

Maybe for now, I am afraid of my own raw.

Why fear?...

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I came to the realization that for far too long I have let the negativity of others, most who are not even in my life anymore, keep me from really being fully me.
I am tired of turning away and cowering in insecurity with things I use to be so confidently operational in.
Why am I snuffing out a gift because at some point in a life that no longer exists, someone told me I would never be able to break free of the chains that held me before Jesus broke them into nonexistent pieces?

It's easy isn't it?
To say you don't want to be afraid anymore.
It's a whole other thing to feel it - to live it.
But it should be easy to not live that way too, right?
I mean, Holy Spirit! HELLO!

We way too easily silence our spirits from our wills.
We way too easily give into the petrifying paralyzation of our seeming weaknesses.

I am reminded of that so much yet I struggle to break free from that crippling mindset.
God reminds me.
My strong, brave friends remind me.
I remind myself.

I love watching the people I live life with.
All of them so unique and so gifted in their own special way.
They have overcome so much.
They are beautiful and bold.
I believe in them and they believe in me.
It is just so hard to believe in ourselves.
Or even if we do, to keep moving forward and step up to the plate instead of running to retreat.
The most painful thing to my heart is watching the pain in theirs.
One of the best things is seeing them succeed in all the wonderfulness of who they are.

I wonder if they think the same thing when they are looking at me…

I am tired of keeping my mouth shut when I know I should speak.
I am tired of fearing what mistake I had to have made when others are yanking on my insides to just do it and be me already.
I need to believe I am not always being a mistake all the time.
I want to be unafraid to really dream.
I want to be unafraid to stop hiding.
I want to be able to tell all, bare all. Be vulnerable. Be free.
Open up to others like I long for them to do with me.
I want to be free…
I want them to be free…

Loud and Quiet...

There is something strange about the silence.
When you feel a sense of loneliness whilst surrounded by a crowd of people.
You feel that distance echo in between you, lost in your own head - your thoughts loud.
So loud yet so… quiet.

What will it be this year?
What does this quietness mean?
It is like the eye of a storm.
Wondering, waiting, for what comes next.

All around me life is moving.
People moving forward.
New and exciting things springing up, one after another.
But for me… I see nothing.
I only feel the anticipation.
When is it my turn?

There are the slight little moments where I think… maybe, just maybe this is it!
Oh. No. Not yet. False alarm.

I am ready to be done with these damn false alarms!

What do I have to do?
Is there even anything?
I don't know…

I will try to fill this ever so loud yet so, so quiet space.

Content.
Content is a choice.
Content is a choice even when you really don't want it.

I will take the quiet.
I will take lonely.
I will take the false alarms.
Eventually, it will all have to end, right?
It will end.