I feel like today I started on an epic journey of really growing up. I am an adult and now I'm going to really act like one. I spent most of my day with Jynell and am walking away with so much more on my plate. A new outlook on a life that can honestly be pretty screwed sometimes. In times like these uncomfortable measures must be taken. I do not want it to be this hard but damnit being a christian and wanting the best for your life isn't always easy. Its work and its hard. But in the end Ill be so much more blessed and leave a lot of pain I could have behind. Sometimes I ask God why things cant just happen a little quicker or a little easier. But its not my timing. God doesn't look at time. And sometimes some sweat and some blood is needed. To experience things that stretch you and grow you. Obstacles to be jumped and conquered and tests to be passed. In my heart of hearts I want everything to work out and be ok and be so unbelievably close to God. But its gonna take a little pain and uncomfortableness. Its gonna take work and some I really dont want to go through. But its so true that you have to go through fire to be refined. And you have to have an attitude that's good and submissive to God. Everyone makes mistakes but we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of them. We have to go through things to get what we really want. I want to be stubborn in my walk with God. In a really good way. I want strong convictions that I stick to and lines and boundaries. Because to be completely honest, without Gods boundaries He wants us to have because of His love for us, our lives and the world would be chaotic. A lot like what happens to the lives of people who dont have God in them. God is living and He is living in us. But we have to CHOOSE to live out what He has for us. The goodness He has for us. To live through His love. I want my life to be a shining example of the Lords. I want to be happy and fulfilled and blessed. To be so in the will of God that more than I can ask think or imagine would happen and be birthed in me. My life is complicated. But then again thats life. Thats the adventure in it all. You cannot really predict God. And I want to have a new confidence in myself so that I do not hold back the unpredictability of God in my life. I want to know I can be used by Him and I want my soft heart to be molded by Him into His art and creation He has set out for me and planned for me to be. I want to be strong and figure out who I am IN GOD. Not in anything else. I want to surprise the world and myself. To expand above what I thought I was capable of and into something extraordinary and do things in my life I could only dream of and beyond that. I need more intimacy with God and prayer. I need God to help me. Especially in this season I have come into. To help me rise above every circumstance and come out of every consequence stronger. I want to believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made and see it in myself. I want to do so much more than what I have been doing. I dont want to stop at a roadblock forever but move on higher into God and His will. My heart is longing for it. I'm starving for something more. Something new and exciting and good for me. Not something that rips at my heart and bruises and cuts me. Not something that gives me pain and sorrow. But right before the eyes of God constantly kneeling before His throne. I want a capacity to learn and be so close to God I could not and would not want to push Him away.
I want to be who God has MADE me to be. Not what people want me to be. Who I feel like I have to try to be. What the world wants me to be.
I want to be set apart.
In Gods will.
LOVING my life.
HAPPY.
FULFILLED.
Who I am MEANT to be.
Oh, God! Help me! Mold me! Love me!
I dont want my life to be complicated...
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