I was just looking through my old notes from my college music class I took the summer after my first year of Interns.
As I was looking and remembering, all I could keep thinking was, why did I ever think I could be a music minor? Or even just be a college experienced Theory musician?
I remembered what hell that summer was. How burdensome that class was.
Then it hit me. I was never supposed to be a music minor or even take some class for it even if it were for fun. Or at least that time I wasn't for sure. I only took that class because I felt pressured to be in school. In "real college." Ha, I was doing it to please people. Maybe even in some twisted way, to fit in if I knew more about music so I could sound smart and prove myself.
I was going to be an English Major. I wanted to do creative writing.
Clearly, I love to write. Or maybe not as clear seeing as its hard to find time to even blog anymore.
Unless it is... 4:05am like now.
I even plan to write books someday.
But I was never meant to be an English Major.
I wondered why it always get so "off" to think of doing it.
I was meant to be in Bible College and get a degree.
I am doing it now and I still remember clearly the day God spoke to me to do it.
In my chaotic life, I do have my, "What the HECK am I doing?!" moments. But then i realize and they fleet away.
Sometimes I want to quit. But Im sure many others do as well. Especially when it gets tough.
Its not as easy as it is sometimes cracked up to be. Haha.
I still have the days where I wonder, "Who am i?"
And at this moment, at 4:09 am, I come to realize yet again, Im not the only one who thinks that.
Even the ones I admire or think the best of have those days, too.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself about it.
I know who I am. And even on the days I forget or I question it, God never does.
Why worry who you are? He'll work it out just fine. Just don't go trying to do it on your own.
Its pointless, really.
Life.
Cant lie. It makes me nervous.
I may not be going through the easiest time in life.
I have a lot of fears, a lot of doubts, a lot of confusion, and even a little pain.
I have a lot of new things coming up.
Big decisions. Big adventures.
But at least I know that through all of that, and all the failings of my flesh, God's power is working in my weaknesses. So therefore, I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:8-10)
I may not FEEL that, but most people don't see that, because they're only seeing Jesus.
And well, my Jesus, well He's the strongest Man I know.
I don't mean that to say that people don't see me fail or hurt.
I don't mean that my best friend can't read me like a book!
I don't mean that I don't cry when no one is looking. Ha, or even when its on the floor of that best friends bedroom.
I don't mean that I am invincible.
I don't mean that I don't have my bad days and the days I, to be honest, feel like complete crud.
I don't mean that I don't make mistakes or any of that.
And I don't mean that you are either,
I just mean, I am a part of something bigger.
Not just me but you too.
I mean that even the people that see all that, don't see me (or you) as a failure or weak, they see God doing something radical.
They see God doing something beautiful.
So, maybe I don't see that now. Maybe you don't. Heck, maybe they don't sometimes.
Oh, but we will.
Who really cares.
The House always wins anyway.
God will fix you up, make you shine with His glory, and set you out for everyone to see.
And as the people look at you or me, He'll shout, "Look! Look at my child! Isn't she (he) beautiful?! Just wait 'til you see what I got planned for her (him)! Look what I've enabled her (him) to do!"
He will be one proud Father!
He is proud of you now. And is telling everyone all of that now. And so much more.
And now, at 4:26am, it hit me again.
I'm not up late writing some blog post coming up with all these things to say.
But God's saying it to me. He is saying it to you.
He's just using me to jot it all down.
And I know that He's speaking it because, if He weren't, I wouldn't believe any of it!
I don't think I'm all that special. But He sure does.
He thinks you're pretty special, too. :)
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