A Little About Me...

A little about me.

I am incredibly insecure at the most random of moments.
There is no stopping it.
I am either very confident and really outgoing OR I am very quiet and shy.
It is mostly dependent on the mood of my day.
I always fear of intruding in a place I don't belong.
I question my place often, even with my closest friends. Always wondering if I truly DO belong.
I really love books, coffee, and pandas.
I thrive on deep connection and one-on-one time. I need it.
I really like hugs and affection and hearing "I love you."
If I don't get those things for prolonged period of times I feel really unloved and shut down completely.
I love blogging - when I have/make the time.
I am probably more real when I write than I am any other time.
I love people. A lot. I love loving them. Praying for them. Doing things for them. Especially if I feel close to and connected to you.
Sometimes I wonder if that gift in me is more of a con than a pro, but I can't help it.
I often feel like my heart is going to EXPLODE for how much I love people.
My friends and Jesus bring me crazy joy.
My heart breaks in the same way FOR people.
I think that the idea that LOVE is conditional or earned is absolutely absurd!
Although, I often feel the same. For people to love me, not for me to love them. Loving is easy for me.
But if it breaks my heart to see hurting people who think they have to do something to be loved, I wonder how much more it breaks Jesus' heart.
I am very, very observant.
I think a lot. Probably too much.
I try to let my focus always be Jesus. -in church, in life, in what I do, in doctrine, in faith, in hope, in trouble, in love, all in all.
I think much more than I say. I just respond to myself. Mull it over.
I am petrified to say something stupid or do something because I fear that I will drive away the people that I love and care about most.
Not because what I say would be offensive but simply because I am weird - being embarrassed of me.

As I write this, I feel like I can almost hear Jesus screaming at me that some of this is absolutely crazy.
That He would want me to think differently.
I feel the tugging on my heart that Jesus loves me extravagantly.
That He wants me to dream and believe with Him. That He believes in me.
And that He wants to break my fears and insecurities off my life.
That could be my prayer. For me. For my friends. I'm probably not the only one who feels those things.
In all of my lack, it is humbling seeing Jesus cover them with His love and His care.
That He would project Himself through me.
That He would bless me with amazing people who love me despite the fact that I am so, so weird.
Grace is divine enablement.
And boy, have I been divinely able to do a lot of things.
Including overcoming all of my absurd thought patterns and scarred hurts that have accumulated over many, many years.
God is incredibly good. More than I could imagine.
And God has been speaking wonders into my world as of late.
I KNOW that I do not deserve to be where I am at in life. I don't deserve my wonderful church and my wonderful friends. And I do not deserve where God is taking me in my life.
Yet still, He does.
He does,
He's doing,
He is acting.
For me.
Wow.