Here am I...

All I want to do, right now, is watch Fear the Walking Dead Episode 2. And I can't.

Is that too much to ask?

The silence kills me.

I want to tune it out with one freaking show.

ANYTHING.

I don't know what to do.

I go back and forth of feeling ok then feeling really… not. ok.

It is scary to look ahead of you and see nothing.

Just an open void.

Grasping with open hands for something and feeling nothing.

Something has to give.

Something has to show up for me to grab on to.

Five months. 

Five months of fighting and falling and fighting some more and falling again.

I can't talk about it.

I don't want to.

And when I can - it is random and rare. And I feel everything and I don't want to feel it.

Every moment is mixed with pain and fear, or passion and excitement, then unease and unrest.

I feel it all.

What is this going to look like?

What will it be?

How do I get there?

I just wish I KNEW SOMETHING.

I'm not naive.

I am not stupid or unaware.

I am not useless.

I am not not trying.

I wish people understood that!

I'm alone and it's quiet.

I hate it but I almost need it.

Maybe I don't know what I need.

Everyone is doing their thing and I am here.

Here, not knowing what my "thing" is.

I thought I knew.

I knew where I wanted it to be eventually.

But now, right now, it is just empty and quiet.

God, do I need something.

I need help.

I need something to open.

Something to give.

Something to grab hold of.

Oh, please, help me, God.

I have no idea what to do. 

What do I do now? Right now?