Trying to be me...

"You know me."
"I try to."

I don't know how to be known in the present.

My real is not raw.
It is the seared up pieces of partial realness.
Blood mopped up to cover the messiness that is me.
Yet it seems that I have only made it worse by my sloppily laid bandages on wounds crying out for stitches.

I have shoved those I love most away by pretending.
Trying to be ok for my own self conscience.
I have failed you, I know.
I never spoke up because I was too ashamed to look you in the eye.
Now I never get your calls or the time to say I am sorry.

I am not me anymore.
I am a poor excuse for a washed up has been, could've been, maybe I never was in the first place then.

I want to be.
Be everything everyone hoped I would be.
Or the me I have always been afraid to be.

I have been around some blocks that are better left closed off.
Because they mar you and they scar you and even when you think you have, you never quite escape them.

Part of me that many see has given up.
But the fight inside that still exists I keep safely tucked behind closed doors.
Because if I can muster up just enough I just might make it out of this black hole I have fallen into.
But if I fail again no one ever has to know.
My fear is in my failure.

Do you get it some now?
It may not have been how you saw it but for me, this was reality.
I don't really want to be here.
I want to be back.
I want to be on the other side running.
But sometimes I feel trapped.
Sometimes I can only crawl.
But don't give up on me.
Behind these glazed over eyes is a lot of broken pieces.
I am still showing up so there is hope for me.
But just like he said, sometimes those words of hope are more painful than helpful.
I need to find me myself a little bit first.

I have spent many years trying to be this creature made up of all these expectations instead of being a human with my own worth and direction.
To not be afraid of being me and bringing substance to my being.
Doing what I love how I was made to do it.
Not being a quilted up version of all they love, trying to do it their way; trying to impress them so they would love me and I could hear that maybe just maybe someone could finally be proud of me.

I want you to know ME.
And for me to finally be me.

These are so many of the things I want to say but another day has gone by where words out loud can't escape me.