The only way I could release part of you.

For me, writing here is one of the fews ways I can channel anything that I feel.
I can release. Create. Form. Speak.

I feel it again.
That tightening in my throat.
That feeling that I am suffocating.
That pain and that ache in my chest.

It is you.
It has been months and I cannot erase your face.
All the feelings that I felt for you.
And all that pain that you left me with and continue to shower me with.
If only I had listened to my friend.
She knew being with you would be dangerous.
But I couldn't let you go.
I couldn't because I loved you.
And you loved me.

But I doubt that now.
I don't see how you could have.
Especially now.
After all that has happened and your lack to even acknowledge that I exist.
How could that be love?

Everyday, you are on my mind.
Sometimes for seconds.
Other times for hours.
Like dominos, it all hits the fan.
Every memory crushes me from the inside out.
Even the good ones turn to nightmares because it all came to nothing.
Like it was all a lie.
I was sucked into this world of you and me.
And then I was suddenly yanked out and torn to pieces.

I SHOULD be over this by now.
I know this.
I've said this.
But so far, I cannot.
I cannot just forget you.
You still play in my dreams when I sleep.
When I am awake, sometimes I see you.
I close my eyes or try to focus and there you are.
Playing every string of me.
Things you said.
Things you did.
The way you speak.
The songs you sang.
The way you hugged me or kissed my cheek.
The looks you gave.
The family I met.
The long nights we spoke.
Your laugh.
And the last time you ever spoke to me.

Sometimes I think that you will finally break the silence.
Say hello.
Ask how I am.
APOLOGIZE.
ha...right.

Sometimes I think you will just show up here unannounced.
But you won't.
And if you did, it would never play out the way it plays out in my mind.
It makes me sick.
Not you, but the way I fell for you.
The way I am still stuck to you.

All of this just because I loved you.