today. tonight. my friend. love always, me...

stinkin awesome!
actually my whole day was.
i had to get up at the crack of dawn to get to the church with John Chu to help him with sound
that was an interesting job
then 2nd service i sat in the back with Charlotte
i like that were getting close again but in a different way then we ever were before
she made me a mix cd and its really good
during worship practice Donna kept making me smile
i love that girl
her smile is amazing and when she smiles at me its like a light and a warmth that goes through me and for a moment. for that moment, i forget everything thats going on.
its like my world stops and i feel happy and calm
like my world isnt spinning upside down all around me
my friends.
theyre such a blessing to me.
then i came home and in late afternoon Grace, Ashley, Nick, Dominick, Andy, and Chris came over and we watched a creepy movie called TheEYE. hahaha it was creepy but good and we kept cracking jokes so it wasnt that bad.
Dominick was the first to shriek hahahahaha
then Nick scared the crapples out of me and Grace.
i love my friends so much!
we always have the best times together. =]

and every once in awhile i see a friend and i remember
i remember something that happened and they were there
like today, while i watched worship go on from the sound booth, the team began to sing Healer.
then came the flash.
the song reminds me of the day my uncle died and the week proceeding at GC camp.
i remember that the night before after prayer Donna asked me to spend the night at her house. the next morning, sunday, we got up and picked Donald up for church.
i went home that day just like any other. i was tired so i laid on my couch after reading my bible and i dozed off but i wasnt totally asleep.
then the phone rang.
i look up to see my mom hang up the phone and speed out the door telling me as she left he was in ICU.
i got up and then the feeling hit me. my spirit tangled and nausea overtook me.
i knew. i knew that something bad was gonna happen. like the Holy Spirit was warning me. panic struck and i lost it. i shut myself in the bathroom hoping i wouldnt vomit and collapsed barely able to breathe.
memories flooded my mind and all that i could think or say was, 'no, please, not again.'
i grabbed my phone and, almost as if i was on autopilot, my fingers just dialed numbers. the phone rang and all i hear is Charlottes voicemail.
fail. i didnt know what to do.
i picked up the phone again and my fingers dialed again.
Donna picked up... 'hey, britt.'
all i could mutter was a very high pitched 'hi.'
silence. 'how ya doin?' all in Donnas typical tone when she knew there was something wrong.
i opened my mouth to answer and sobs broke.
'ill be there in 20 minutes.' and she was gone.
she never knew what happened or what i was thinking but she came anyway.
Donna shows up and i walk to her car wiping tears embarassed at myself.
i choke out whats happened when Mick comes out from his place and says, 'its not good. its a code blue and hes not breathing well. pray.'
i turn fetile and cant hold back the tears.
we sit in her car and pray.... i guess i didnt do well enough.
then i had to go babysit my cosens baby as she runs to the hospital. before i leave Mick whispers to Donna exchanging numbers and im to emotionally drained to ask about my suspicions.
Donna helped me watch him as i lay in a daze over the couch.
her phone rings. i look up to see her listen intently... then she gulps and she looks at me with this look i cant describe, hangs up the phone, and doesnt say a word. my suspicions ran high of that phone call but i was too exhausted to ask what it was about.
my mom and cosen show up about 15 minutes later and my mom bends down to me and tells me... and hes gone.
i cant fathom what i hear penetrate my ears and i run out.
at the end of the driveway i cry out to God. tears streaming and i pray with all i have to take it back. every regret washed over me and i wanted to wake up and for it to be a dream. i couldnt handle anymore of these. couldnt handle the things i couldve changed.... i still havent woken up. but if i could, my wake up would have started 15 years ago...
my mom came out and i pushed her away. comfort is one that only few can give me and she wasnt one. i wanted to be alone. she doesnt understand how or who i really am.
its like im in a box labeled fragile and though that box has opened over time some people cant attain whats inside.
Donna comes out and as she pulls me closer i fall into her arms.
that moment was a dear one because affection and cuddle dont come from Donna often. shes more words and smiles than touchy feely.
Donna was there for it all. she came to see me the next morning before she had to go to work and then i ran off from 1pm to 12:15am with Grace. the next week was hard especially as, friends even, told me how terrible i was that i was gonna miss my uncles funeral because i would be at GC camp. they never i understood how that would break me. i needed camp and now more than ever.
even worse was when i had family say straight to my face that i wasnt in my right mind and that i didnt have the right priorities and that i was making church and God too important in my life. how could family say that i 'wasnt in my right mind'?
camp changed me and God began to heal me. heal me of things i thought would never leave.
i had expectation for camp. mostly about my campus but God chose a route i didnt expect.
He touched on things that hurt and that plagued but it was the beginning of a process that still lingers.
all of this came from one song.

amazing how minds work. or mine.
i owe my friends so much.
i love them more than anything except God.
now you see one reason i love Donna so much.
but only one reason cuz there are many.

question now.
when you see that a friend is hurting, and youre praying for them, how can you show them you want to be there for them without crossing a line? without prying for details?
dear friend, its under the blood of Jesus. i love you... and im here for you. always. love, me