Why fear?...

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I came to the realization that for far too long I have let the negativity of others, most who are not even in my life anymore, keep me from really being fully me.
I am tired of turning away and cowering in insecurity with things I use to be so confidently operational in.
Why am I snuffing out a gift because at some point in a life that no longer exists, someone told me I would never be able to break free of the chains that held me before Jesus broke them into nonexistent pieces?

It's easy isn't it?
To say you don't want to be afraid anymore.
It's a whole other thing to feel it - to live it.
But it should be easy to not live that way too, right?
I mean, Holy Spirit! HELLO!

We way too easily silence our spirits from our wills.
We way too easily give into the petrifying paralyzation of our seeming weaknesses.

I am reminded of that so much yet I struggle to break free from that crippling mindset.
God reminds me.
My strong, brave friends remind me.
I remind myself.

I love watching the people I live life with.
All of them so unique and so gifted in their own special way.
They have overcome so much.
They are beautiful and bold.
I believe in them and they believe in me.
It is just so hard to believe in ourselves.
Or even if we do, to keep moving forward and step up to the plate instead of running to retreat.
The most painful thing to my heart is watching the pain in theirs.
One of the best things is seeing them succeed in all the wonderfulness of who they are.

I wonder if they think the same thing when they are looking at me…

I am tired of keeping my mouth shut when I know I should speak.
I am tired of fearing what mistake I had to have made when others are yanking on my insides to just do it and be me already.
I need to believe I am not always being a mistake all the time.
I want to be unafraid to really dream.
I want to be unafraid to stop hiding.
I want to be able to tell all, bare all. Be vulnerable. Be free.
Open up to others like I long for them to do with me.
I want to be free…
I want them to be free…