Raw...

Birthdays.

They are meant to be a time of excitement and celebration.
Another year lived and onto another to embrace and live evermore.

My birthday is on friday…

Normally, this would excite me.
I would eagerly count down the days.
But for some reason, this year, I do not.
I am frankly petrified.
I am not sure why this one seems to be so looming…

I wonder if it is really worth celebrating.
Will anyone?
Do they want to?
Do I?

I feel uncomfortable that it is even coming.
I feel uncomfortable of the fact that anyone might feel obligated to acknowledge it.

It is a strange thing to be so concerned about, isn't it?


I feel like I am in this season of vulnerability.
I am exposed.

I feel the Holy Spirit ticking away.
I feel like I am torn open for all to see.
But the thing is, I am not so torn open at all.
I FEEL that way but I actually haven't been so vulnerable or open with any persons at all as of late.
Maybe it is just God and I.
Maybe He is trying to dig His way in and I feel like everyone can see it.

Open, raw honesty is something I both crave and dread.
I love the depth of it shared with special someones.
Yet, I am afraid of the rejection that could possibly attach itself to my raw self.

Maybe for now, I am afraid of my own raw.