do you ever have it where so many different things are going on and you feel tham all at once and youre not sure whether to feel good or bad?
because i feel a lot like that right now...
tonight i have come to see again that God is merciful. my brother, the one in my family im closest to, was arrested in december. i had been praying for him for so long. and then it literally broke me to see him fall and that i couldnt help. i just wanted God to set him free just as i was. and it didnt happen. and i was discouraged. ive missed him so much and even still my heart aches for him. he was looking at 3 years in prison. and that is not something i could bear to see. i prayed so much and i cried so hard for my brother. he had court wednesday. God is merciful. he has 3 years probation but if he breaks it he has 1 year in jail. also 10hours of community service. i plan on setting him up to do it at the church. adn he has 2500 dollars in fines. i want to help him pay for it if i can. i just want to see my brother again. and i want God to change him...
graduation is in 3 months and 23 days. im a little scared. but excited.
God is doing a lot in ramona and in my influence on others.
Josh and Joanna are getting married in 3 weeks.
Conference is next week.
i need a job lol Lord help me.
i miss donna... yes, i admit it.
God has opened my eyes tonight at the work Hes doing in my cosens life through me.
me and my mom are fixing our relationship.
i turn 18 next month. weird.
i want more of God.
i feel discouraged but i fight so hard just to crawl my way into my Fathers lap.
i miss my dad. calling God 'Father' is hard for me. and i hate admitting i miss my dad. and sometimes i get sad seeing my friends dads. the closest i have to a dad is God, Pastor Jerry, and Lon Lloyd. im around Lon the most but id feel weird telling him i see him that way. i dont know what its like to hug a dad but when Lon hugged me about a month ago it felt different. and although i dont have the experience to say for sure id say thats what it feels like to hug a dad. i just wish i had the chance to hug my own. thinking of my wedding scares me and makes me almost sad for that reason alone. not having a dad...
haha i think its funny my dad was a biker.
i trust my best friend Grace more than anyone but sometimes i find it hard to just be me with her. tell her what im thinking. i know its bad too. i dont know why i do things i do sometimes.
im so excited for interns. im so hungry for God and to learn more. i want Him so much.
sometimes i wish i wasnt me. and im afraid that im not good enough or that no one is proud of me or sees anything in me. although if i tried to be honest with myself id know that that isnt true but it feels that way.
i almost feel like im not worth anything. no one would want this. thats terrible. God renew my mind, wow. anyway, theres so much more but i dont think i could even write it all.
im not sure how i feel.
good. bad. indifferent.
i dont know.
but what i do know.
i love God.
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